Merry Merry Quite Contrary how does the story go?

THE FOLLIES OF A MEREDITH IN OKC


3 Comments

JACKASSES IN NICE GUY CLOTHING

you know the saying, “wolf in sheep’s clothing?”.  its close cousin is “jackass in nice guy clothing”.

which seems to be the only type of guy that i attract.  over and over again. and over again.  i mean, really?  are there so few actual decent guys out there?  i know they exist…the majority of my friends are with good guys.  so what’s the deal?  is there like a waiting list that i need to be signed up on?  because so far, i’m on the “date a jerk” list.

 

now, don’t get the wrong impression of me.  i am of the “i don’t need a man to complete me, i’m a complete person on my own” philosophy.  i don’t base my self-worth on my relationship (or lack there of) status.  ok, ok, sometimes i do let it get me down a bit, i’m only human.  for the most part, though, i don’t tie my relationship status to who i am as a person.  but, like most people, i think it would be nice to find someone to share this thing we call Life with.  i don’t want someone to support me, or “fix” me, or for me to “fix”.  my ideal is to find an equal, a partner if you will.  someone to laugh with, provide mutual support, and romance of course.  is that so much to ask for?  apparently it is.

and it always starts the same way…

1) hanging out, getting to know each other, having fun (nice guy phase)

2) he says stuff (totally unprompted by me) like “you’re so amazing”, “i’ve never met anyone else like you”, “you’re the coolest girl i know” (nice guy phase)

3) 5 seconds later it’s “you’re awesome, but i just have so much going on right now.  i don’t have time to be in a relationship, but you’re really great.”  or some other cliche (nice guy jacket comes off to reveal…)

4) then 10 seconds later, they are in a relationship…not with me, but with some other chick.  so obviously #3 was just the usual bullshit brush off.  (jackass!)

 

i’m so befuddled.  i don’t think i’m clingy or needy or demanding.  for the most part, i’d say i’m pretty laid back.  i don’t want to spend 100% of my time with the guy, i have my own work and my own friends and family to hang out with.  i really don’t get it.  but seeing as this has happened not once, not twice, but 3 times i think it’s time to figure out what i am doing, or not doing, to cause this.  or maybe i’m just not finding the quality guys (anyone have that ‘good guy’ sign up sheet?  seriously?!?!)

 

oh well.   screw you, douchebag-du-jour.  i just had to vent a little bit because it is getting freaking ridiculous.  and really really old.  but i have a date on weds.  keep your fingers crossed for me that he’s not a jackass…because if he is i might just have to turn into godzilla and carve a path of destruction through this town.  and i don’t want to do that…i love okc.  it’d be sad to turn all “May 5th (or 3rd as the pied piper informed me) tornado” on its ass.  and think of all the lotion i’d have to use once i turned back into human form…godzilla has some pretty scaly skin.  not to mention i don’t enjoy being all destructive and stuff.  i prefer to be happy-go-lucky.  yep.


Leave a comment

“I CAN SEE EL CHICO’S FROM MY HOUSE”

good news, kiddos, mr bix and i survived the Armageddon pt 2: Ice storm of doom!!!

 

on friday, i made a valliant attempt to actually drive my car home.  no dice.  the g35 is simply not built for anything beyond looking awesome and dry, clear roads.  i have devised a simple formula that clearly shows this:

(low profile tires+low sitting body+rear-wheal drive) + (ice+snow+hills+stopping)= meredith is shit out of luck

but i really thought i might be able to make it at least home.  i even tried.  and then kenny (my car) got stuck 5 inches out of the parking lot.  Brimsy! Pegasaurus!  HELP!!!  Brimsy tried to maneuver my car into the next parking lot.  no luck.  stuck.  so the pegasaurus & i, with the aid of 4 strangers walking by, pushed that mo fo into the parking lot.  success!

thank goodness for Brimsy and his big-ass suburban.  he kindly gave everyone a lift home.  and for me, he had to drive me 2 places.  first, my house.  where i immediately realized i had no way to get in.  i, of course, forgot my stupid garage door opener.  “no problem, i’ll just use my door key”.  oh.  wait.  i am the only person who doesn’t have a key to my house.  7 other people have a key, but not me.  really smart of me, that’s just how i roll.  fortunately Brimsy is a saint and drove me to KK’s house.  and luckily KK loves me and is willing to provide me with food & shelter.

but back really quickly to the drive home.  it was brimsy and i’s 2nd snowy/icy drive home from hell.  the first was during the snow storm of ’09.  this time we had baby duck and pegasaurus with us.  and it was hilariously fun.  a few quotes from the trip that were the best:

“i can see el chico from my house”

“can we stop at a 7-11 near a blockbuster?”, “oh, sure, i’ll get right on that.  but if it’s for a $1 late fee i’m going to be pissed”

“oh, thank god the bbq place is open!  that’s really what we need right now”

“dammit gimpy! not again!” (to the windshield wiper)

the quotes may not be exact, but i wrote the general idea of them.  which is: my team rocks & is hilarious.  guess you had to be there.

 

ok, so back to arriving at KKs.  it was a relaxing 2 days.  it was a blast for me, but not really great blogging material.  only major victory was finally getting the booger that was clinging to the upper right nostril.  you know, when you get that one that is really annoying but you can’t  get to it?  and even blowing your nose won’t get it to budge?  yesterday i finally got that bastard, and it was fantastic.  i named it Walter.  other than that, it was all hanging out, watching tv and movies (whip it! was ok…i was expecting a little more), wine and manhattans, and the most awesome game of apples to apples (damn you KK for beating me twice!!!  next time you better watch it lil lady!).  lots and lots of playing with CohCoh, who is 1 of the 2 kids i absolutely adore (RikitikiCambo is my other favorite).  the best is when CohCoh yells at the top of his lungs “MEREMERE!” and then i yell back “COHCOH” and then he goes “WHAT?!” and i say “LOVE YOU”.  then he smiles and in his precious little 2 yr old voice says “love you”.  it melts my heart.  makes me want to run out and buy him a pony or something.

 

today is just another sunday.  hopefully i can free my car and make it safely home.  KK’s been very kind to let mr bix & i stay at her house for 3 days, but if i had to stay there again i think she just might shoot me.  and then make a hat out of mr bix.  or some mittens.  the main roads are just fine, it’s the side roads i’m worried about.  and my condo area.  those fuckers never do crap, which is ridiculous since their HOA fees cause me to hemorrhage money each month.  i mean, seriously?!  how much is a bag of sand or salt?  not much.  and considering i pay them a crap ton each month, i think they could eek it into the budget. 

no, must have happy thoughts…i need all the good karma i can get to have a safe drive home.

 

as for a winner, there’s not a really clear-cut one. 

‘010: ice storm, car stuck, relying on the generosity of others, losing apples to apples by 1 card

me: awesome friends willing to drive me around & crash on their futon, good food, relaxation time, evicting walter from his nasal cavity home

i think it’s a draw this time.


1 Comment

BITTER CRITTER, TABLE FOR ONE

‘010 wins today.  and i am freaking pissed.

 

so i get the text at 7:15 that we’re open and it’s business as usual.  on one hand, i understand.  we need to be open for our customers.  it’s our job & i’m getting paid to be here, it’s not like i’m volunteering.  but on the other hand, it is gnarly outside.  and my car is possibly the worst car ever to drive in this crap.  on the way to work, i slipped 13 times.  it took me 7 attempts to make it across the intersection of 63rd and independence.  all the while some dillhole in an SUV is honking at me.  yeah, dillhole, that’s reeeeeeally gonna help me get across the street at a faster rate.  by the way, having 4wheel drive does NOTHING when it’s ice.  so suck on that, you self-important prick.  (i’m having a bit of a bad day, can you tell?)

 

don’t worry kiddos, i flipped the dillhole off and magically kenny (my car) zoomed across the intersection. 

so i get into work and brew the coffee…it’s so necessary to have coffee, especially today.  of course we’re out of the good coffee creamer.  of course.  all we have is the disgust-o powdered crap.  yuck.  starbucks, i’ll just go there for coffee.  i’m so desperate for coffee that i almost don’t mind getting boonswangled by their prices.  oh wait, they’re closed.  like everyone else.  except for us.  disgust-o powdered creamer it is.

watching the snow fall has been very fun.  and helping all the 3 customers that came in.  we made a fun game of seeing how many cars tried to go through the starbucks drive thru.  it was 11.  all the while, my friends are enjoying nice snow days.  hanging out and playing card games.  maybe even sledding.  but not me.  i get to be at work, watching the roads turn into evil paths full of hatred and treachery. 

if i die on the drive home, i want there to be a led zeppelin cover band at my funeral.  no, fuck that, i want LED ZEPPELIN to play.  and i want there to be an open bar and keg beer for all.  and everyone needs to wear tuxedo t-shirts because they’re classy, but it still says that you came to party.  and i want to be cremated & have my ashes put in a giant bronze lion.  and i want the lion to have a button that has my voice recorded saying my famous catch phrases such as “i hate you like poison” and “dial it down”.  yeah…it’ll be the most magical event ever.  do you think i could get a hologram version of me walking around and socializing?  or is that too much?  i’ll have to think about it…

argh.  maybe i can have a brilliant come back and make ‘010 my bitch, but i think the drive home will squash any hope for that.  buckle up kiddos, it’s going to be a fun drive.


5 Comments

LACTOSE FREE MILK AND ICE STORM ARMAGEDDON

so kids, where did we leave off?  oh yes, on a wednesday afternoon.  here’s how the rest of the day turned out…

LACTOSE FREE MILK

so all of the weather reporter’s doomsday talk finally got to me.  normally, i agree with aclockworkbrowne and think that the weather hype is just because the weather newscasters get a big ole chub from whipping oklahomans into a frenzy.  well, i helped them with that yesterday.  freezing rain, sleet, perilous streets, armageddon, winter storm 2010, the rapture.  these phrases finally began to get past my ‘devil may care’ weather attitude.  what if i got stuck at the condo? i have no food to eat.  only potatoes and parmesan cheese. i mean, i could turn mr bix into beef jerky but then who would be my best friend?  and, how the hell do you make beef jerky? i figured it was time to venture to the  grocery store.

now, for those of you who don’t know me very well, i hate the grocery store. i hate pushing that damn cart around.  and i always get the one with the squeaky wheel.  and i also hate that no matter how methodical i am going through the aisles, i get to the checkout line and remember that i forgot something important.  finally, i hate that i never can find the one crucial thing i am looking for.  and i’m not a good enough cook to know what i can use to substitute the crucial item.  all in all, martha stewart i am not.  if you’re looking for a domestic goddess, you are really shit out of luck if you’re stuck with me.

so. i go to the grocery store.  with every other freaking idiot in town.  and it’s funny, as everyone is running around frantically buying bread and water and soup.  me,on the other hand, i‘m just pushing my stupid squeaky cart with the bum wheel around looking for normal food.  i maneuver around all the jackasses and gather my typical microwave meals, turkey sandwich fixings (food of the gods), and yogurt.  then i get to the milk section.  i normally get the organic milk, not because i’m super health conscious or anything but because it lasts longer than the other kind.  but alas, they are all out.  all they have left is whole milk and lactose free milk. hmmm.  whole milk freaks me out and i have absolutely no idea what lactose free milk tastes like.  what to choose, what to choose.  i stand there for a good 2 minutes debating, all the while getting shuffled and bumped into by the doomsday sheep.  fine. i’ll just pick which one last the longest. ding ding ding, we have a winner.  lactose free it is.


 

p.s. it’s pretty gross stuff.   and the lady behind me in the checkout line totally didn’t know about the respect of people’s personal space.  and she smelled.  gross.


so yesterday was looking like a victory to me.  until ‘010 convinced mr bix that it’d be awesome if he threw up 3 times.  most dogs give you a little bit of warning before they puke.  a few dry heaves and then comes the vomit.  not mr bix. one minute you’re chillin with him, gazing into his big beautiful bug eyes.  the next…bleh…he’s puked on my prize anthropologie duvet cover.  then…bleh…on my grandmother’s stool.  finally…bleh…on me.  super fun to clean up at 1am.

yesterday was a draw.

‘010 with lactose free milk, grocery shopping, and mr bix’s pyrotechnic tummy X3

me with coming soon to my house u-verse, awesome lunch with dad, and a stocked fridge.


ICE STORM ARMAGEDDON

hey everybody!  it’s the first winter storm of ‘010!!! woohoo!

the fun thing about winter storms is waiting at work for them to call it.  you get to sit at work, with not a single customer in sight, and count all of the idiots who try to go through the starbucks’ drive through lane.  all the while, everyone is waiting on the edge of their seat to get the call from The Big Guy that we get to go home.  but first, we get to go to a skeleton crew.  which is me (oh the joys of being a manager) and a volunteer (Brimsy, what what! my skeleton crew-member since ’09!).  at least we get a cool name like ‘skeleton crew’.  makes ya feel all b’dass, like the pirates of the caribbean.  maybe next time i’ll get johnny depp as my 2nd crew member (no offenseBrimsy! but johnny is the hottest guy alive, people magazine told me so).

finally The Big Guy calls and we all get to go home.  but the awesome thing is that now the little drizzle that was easily maneuvered is now a constant sheet of frozen hell from the sky.  and my lil g35 can’t hang with that shit.  especially when i need new windshield wiper blades (the right one is now officially dead, may it rest in peace).  once home, there is a minute of victory dancing…no work! schooooools out for summer (dun duh duh duh dun duh) schoooooools out for ever (dun duh duh duh dun duh).

cut to me, 5 minutes later.  totally freaking bored.  out of my mind.  to the point where i‘m thinking cleaning might actually be fun.  but i’m not martha stewart.  or any other domestic goddess.  i’m a bachelorette slob with shoes piled at the door and laundry taking over the guest room (clean on the bed, dirty on the floor.  hey, at least i have a system.)

S.O.S to KK!!! save me KK!  help keep me from cleaning!!!

so KK’s man-friend rescues me and mr bix from cleaning, i stop off at the liquor store which is ALWAYS open during Armageddon in appreciation of them rescuing me.  they provide me with food and shelter, i provide us all with the booze ($75 worth, i ain’t playin around).

shrimp scampi has been eaten, movies are being downloaded (whip it! i’ve been told i remind people of drew barrymore *hair toss and self important look* so i always try to catch her movies), and i am catching you all up to date with things while KK puts CohCoh to sleep.

todays victory was pretty close, but i think it goes to me.  now keep your fingers crossed that work is cancelled tomorrow…i plan on drinking this bota box wine all night long & if i have to work tomorrow it will be rough


OH!! HOMEWORK PROJECT!!

i am not going to let ‘010 get away with crushing my dream!! a new project must be started, suggestions are welcome…put on your thinking caps kiddos!!


Leave a comment

GOODBYE MONOPOLY, HELLO HOME INTERNET

today is looking very promising.  in fact, it has been a glorious morning so far.  first, it’s wednesday…my 2nd favorite day of the week.  secondly, i just found out that u-verse is finally available in my area.  a fact that makes me want to do a dance out of sheer happiness.  and in fact, i just did.  the happy dance included a heel-click and a spin move, if you were wondering.

gone are the days of cox cable having a monopoly on my condo complex.  the HOA can’t force me to use cox, with the super awesome line that runs through the picture and has yet to be fixed. woo hoo!  and, added bonus, i can now get internet bundled without having to get a home phone.  yes, my friends, i don’t have home internet.  but soon i will.  gone will be the days of buying a $5 cup of coffee to download sick jams.  no longer will i have to sit outside my door like a creeper in the night to “borrow” internet from an unsuspecting neighbor (luckily all the old people in my complex don’t know how to password protect their wireless).  and KK will be delighted that i won’t spend the majority of my time at her house surfing the web.

ah, happy day.  it’s just the right amount of happiness to carry me through the upcoming doom and gloom of Armageddon part 2…or so the newscasters say.  it’s hard to imagine that in 24 hrs, the sunny 60 degree weather will turn into the ice-shit-storm that will rival WINTER STORM 2009 (that was said in a super scary voice).  but, that’s the way oklahoma weather is.  keep your fingers crossed that i survive it without power failure and that my car will be able to make it out & about without sliding like a roller skate on snot.  which reminds me, i will need to get groceries.  if i’m going to survive Armageddon, i think i’ll need more than 3 potatoes and parmesan cheese (which is the current content of my fridge).

but doom and gloom be damned, i am going to have both internet AND cable at my house soon.  add in my recent, semi-grudgingly, twitter enrollment and i am now a totally modern gal.

oh, and if you’re looking for new good music to get you through the Armageddon pt 2 here are some of my recent picks.   the pied piper of sick jams (the husband part of one of my favorite couples.  “the ax” is his wife and she is super b’dass.) has introduced me to surfer blood.  and then noodle smirnoff has recommended crystal castles and junior boys, both of which are also amazing.  finally, the lovely Wallflower has inspired me to download the radio dept (but i haven’t had the chance to listen to it yet).

happy wednesday kiddos, hopefully the good times will keep rollin’.


4 Comments

‘010, CRUSHER OF DREAMS

last night was a sad night, my friends.  a very very sad night.  when i moved back to okc, just shy of 3 years ago, i had a project.  a determination.  a dream.  for almost 3 years, things were going according to plan.  in fact, it was perfect.  until ‘010 came along and took its great giant foot and squashed my dream like it was an inconsequential bug.  at 10:23pm, central standard time, on january 25th in the bastard year of ‘010, my dream died. 

i dreamed of a world where i didn’t have to buy toilet paper.  a world where toilet paper fell from the skies like manna from heaven.  at 10:23pm last night, i had to purchase my first roll of toilet paper in nearly 3 years.

now, don’t get me wrong, i use toilet paper at home.  i am a big fan of using toilet paper.  my dream was to not have to buy toilet paper.  instead, i would beg, borrow or (in times of great need) steal.  although i tried to keep the stealing down to a minimum.  mostly because it’s always the cheap kind that is not delicate.  i have been lucky enough to have some great people who supported my dream…my dad (who was my biggest supporter and thought it was hilarious), my mom (who had great patience), my aunt, KK (the lovely friend who understood my dream), and a few other who have donated a roll or 2 to the cause.  i made it 1,060 days without purchasing a single roll of toilet paper.  and now it’s all for nothing.  it’s gone. 

after using the last bit of toilet paper during a routine bathroom visit, i looked under the sink to replace the roll.  *gasp* there’s not any there!  “no worries,” i think to myself,  “i have a upstair bathroom”.  no toilet paper there.  i was getting a little worried.  “i bet i have some kleenex somewhere”.  a bit of panic began to creep up my throat.  nope.  “maybe some paper towels?”.  pleasepleaseplease, let there be paper towels.  i shut my eyes tight and sent a little prayer to the paper towel gods.  i opened them and looked.  nope.  well shitballs.  i eyed a wash cloth but decided that was taking it a bit too far, even for me.  i thought about running over to my mom’s however it was past her bed time & when i was over there on sunday she was out too. 

guess it was time to face the music.  we all have to grow up sometime…our outlandish schemes can’t last forever.  damn you, ‘010.  damn you to hades.

at 10:23, i entered my local grocery store.  i tried not to cry as the cashier rang up the cottonelle.


4 Comments

“LOTS OF THINGS HAVE POCKETS NOWADAYS”

and yesterday’s victor was…drum roll please…ME!

after leaving work, i drove my swamp hair promptly to moore, ok so that my hairstylist could work some magic and resurrect the awesomeness.  now, this was a little nerve-wracking because the recent ex-fling lives literally down the street from the salon.  and the last thing i want to have happen is for him to see me, in all my swamp hair glory, and think that i’m creeping on him.  and just so everyone knows, i would not stoop so low as to do the drive-by creep.  that’s soooo 1990’s, we have facebook now to satisfy any morbid curiosity.  kidding.  sort of.  although i fully admit that when i passed the street his apt is on, i rebelliously raised a middle finger and sent a “fuck you” in his general direction.  hey, i’m only human. 

upon my ex-fling-free arrival at the salon, my hairstylist just stared at the seaweed locks sprouting from my head. 

me: it’s pretty bad.  almost like a halloween wig

her: no, i think it’s worse.  don’t worry, we’ll fix this.

me: i hope so.  i can’t walk around looking like this anymore

so she worked her magic and now my hair is back to it’s rocktastic status.  point to me.

afterwards, me and my new ‘do drive back up to okc (another ex-fling-free drive) to drop off Mr. Bix at the mom’s.  she kindly offered to dog-sit for me (since i watched the Dragon dog on weds for her) so that i could go up to T town and get my party on with my cousin (who i shall refer to as Lil M) and her peeps…most specifically lil M’s friend who is turning 25.  then i hopped back into the car and zoom up the turnpike to said party.

*warning…random tangent alert*

there is nothing that i love more than a road trip.  be it 1 hr or 10 hrs, i love the feeling of knowing there is an open road ahead of me and an endless amount of places i can go.  when driving alone, i love to put the ipod on shuffle and blast the music while i sing at the top of my voice.  and somehow, magically, on a road trip i sing like an angelic version of robert plant.  i think it’s the acoustics or something, since anywhere else i sound like a dying seagull.  i’d rank a good road trip in the top 10 favorite things in the world.  right next to swinging in swings at the park.

ok, back on track.  so i drive up and was greeted by an apartment full of people…all ready to go to the bar and celebrate the birthday girl’s 25th.  we all pile into various vehicles and drive up the street to the local bar, sutures.  and there we drink.  and drink.  and drink.  it’s a nice dive bar, complete with medical equipment hanging from the walls & an exam table which the  bday girl was laid out on while the bouncer (who wasn’t too bad-looking, if you could get past his need to see a orthodontist and his poor decision-making in tattoos) administered her birthday shot.  oh, and the stripper pole.  what medical themed dive bar would be complete without a stripper pole?  if you danced on said stripper pole for the majority of a song, you received a free shot.  yours truly did not dance on said stripper pole…no one would want to see that.  but several fellow birthday attendees did.  it was a comical and slightly horrifying sight.  people will do almost anything for free booze.

i met several awesome people who are worth mentioning.  the first being the lovely Wallflower.  he was fascinating to talk with and kept me on my toes.  thanks to him, i have a list a mile long of movies i need to see and books i must read.  the second was a great couple who made me laugh.  not to mention the people i had already met (the bday girl and the intended recipient of the awkward hug moment).

the party dominated the bar, tons of dancing and laughter and party pictures.  there were only a few casualties who lost the battle with lady liquor and were taxied home by friends.  finally, at 2 am we shut that bar down (only a $13 tab…i thanked the waitress for forgetting to document the majority of my blue moons with a generous tip.  i appreciate her confusion) and everyone stumbled/carried/were carried/lazily weaved to our respective cars.

this morning i woke up to lil Ms insistence that we get up and go get something to drink (nonalcoholic fo sho).  during my pleas for “just 5 more minutes of sleep”, i noticed that lil M’s pajama pants have pockets.

me: dude, your pjs have pockets

lil M: yeah, lots of things have pockets nowadays

me: what do you need to carry on you while you sleep?  a pen?

lil M: you’re pants don’t have pockets

*cue sad music and me, pocket-less, walking away in silhouette.

me: no, they don’t.  i don’t need pockets (but i did have a twinge of jealousy).  let’s go get food.

so yes, i win.  i win i win i win.  this morning hanging with lil M was excellent, laughing at hangover sound bites and whispering random words à la brick from ‘in the middle’.  also, i had the last of the series of meetings tonight which is awesome.

‘010, i have dominated both the end of a week as well as the beginning of the new week.  how ya like that?! pa-yow!