Merry Merry Quite Contrary how does the story go?

THE FOLLIES OF A MEREDITH IN OKC


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THAT’S “MISS FOUR-EYES” TO YOU

lemme take you on a little road trip down memory lane.  the year was 1991.  C + C Music Factory was constantly blasting on KJ103, Full House was teaching us lots of life lessons, and, thanks to the movie Hook, i had a huge crush on a character with a red tri-hawk…bangarang Rufio!

i was about 8 yrs old & had my first optometrist appointment.  i was sitting in the chair with that crazy eye measuring contraption, staring at the letters on the board and willing my eyes to need glasses. 

which looks better....one, or two...

i even lied.  just a little.  not too much, i just said “two” when i should’ve said “one”.  i mean, i really Really REALLY wanted glasses.  only problem was, my eye doctor is kinda related to me.  he called me on my eye bluff.  “well, meredith, there were a few inconsistencies, but the good news is your vision is perfect.  you don’t need glasses.”

foiled!  while most people would be rejoicing, my little 8 yr old heart was heavy.  no glasses.  none for me.  curse these perfect 20/20 hazel eyes!  i passed by the display cases of glasses, longingly picked up a pair & tried them on.  “are you sure?  like really sure?”  i asked hopefully.  “yep, i’m sure.  you’re eyes look great.”

great.

see, i have a love for glasses.  they transform you.  depending on the frames, you can be “smart and studious”, or “artistic and quirky”, or “sophisticated and mysterious”.  it’s like a costume for your eyes.  they are the most brilliant of accessories.  and that really speaks to my theatrical side.

*side note: at this time, i also really wanted braces.  not as much as i wanted glasses, but a close 2nd.  yes, 8 yr old meredith wanted to be a uber dork.

this girl had everything i wanted.

yeah.  def didn’t need all that.  i was…ok, still am…spazzy enough on my own without the help of vision and orthodontic correction.

ok, back  to the future.  ish.  last week i tried on Monkey’s glasses and i. fell. in. love.  dear baby jesus, i needed these magical glasses.  my life would be more complete with a pair o them on my face.  greens would be greener, i would be instantly more organized, i would know calculus AND how to apply it in real life, and my cooking skills would vastly improve if i had these glasses.

i called up the eye doctor and made an appointment the next day.  and this time, i think i actually had a shot of needing glasses.  i ain’t as young as i used to be…i stare at computers all day long…and i read every night for at least an hour.  all of that surely is a recipe for poor eye sight that can only be cured by a pair of rocktastic glasses, right?!?

3 days later, it was the day.  the day for checking of vision. 

i sat in the chair, i did the “which one looks better, one or two?  two or three?” had some lights shined in my eye (it is freaky when i can see the capillaries in my retina) and had numbing eye drops so they could check my eye pressure (yeah, totes not a fan of that feeling.)  finally, the tests were over, and i asked the tentative “soooooo, do i get to have glasses?” 

rays of sunshine, birds chirping, all that good stuff

yep…i sure do get to have glasses!  huzzah!  i finally got to go to the magical wall of glasses and pick out a pair of my very own! 

with a huge smile on my face, i sat in the chair and talked with the lady that fits the glasses.  “so, what style would you like to get?”  yeesh…where to start?  i want a pair that is fun & quirky, classic & cool, edgy yet sophisticated.  after trying on a few, i found a pair that i liked.  but, see, i only really need them for reading & computer time.  the pair we had picked out were nice, in a ‘i wear these everyday’ kinda way.  but they weren’t quite right.  then, i caught a glimpse of them.  the glasses.  my glasses.  the ‘i know how to do smart kid stuff, but i’m still hip & cool…but not too cool that i think i’m a hipster’ glasses.

after 20 years of waiting for glasses…and a week for having them made…i officially have my dream glasses.  they are the jam.  and although i don’t really need to wear them all the time, i have a feeling that i will.  for at least the first few weeks or so.  ladies & gentlemen of the readership, here they are…

yeah, the pic is a little myspace-esque. but whatevs. these glasses are the bees knees.

kiiiinda wish i had worn my hair down today for this epic moment…but, well, i hit the snooze button a few times & had to do the mad-dash-around-the-room get ready.  however even with a pony tail, they are rad.  i will name these glasses Penelope.  Penny for short.

ok, ok, ok…you caught me.  i haven’t been 100% to-the-facts with this.  i actually got reading glasses 4 yrs ago.  but they were not as cool as these ones are.  and it makes the story a little less dramatic when i say “oh yeah, i got to pick out some ok glasses 4 years ago but i never wear them because my temple is really wide & i feel like they pinch my brain”.  see?  not nearly as good.  the other version is better.  so can ya give me brownie points for being honest but sorta forget this part so the story is better?  cuz that’d be swell.  you’re the best, a real gem.

either way, long version or short,  i have glasses now.  me & my 8 yr old self are finally bespectacled.  and it is awesome, my friends.  really awesome.

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LEMME UPGRADE YOU

man, there have been many a changes in the good ole Casa de Meredith.  it’s like i literally blink and a day, week, or freakin month has passed by. 

no, not you Blink 182...

yeesh.

i mean, i know people say that time goes by faster when you get older.  but i’m only 28.  i don’t consider that old.  i consider that awesome.  guess time flies when you’re awesome and having fun, right?  right.

sooooo…let’s do a whirlwind recap on the past 2 months complete with photos…readysetgo…

    1. i finally cleaned my garage.  that was literally a hot mess.  but it’s beautimus and now holds 2 cars.

      so it's not prestine...but it's a whole lot better. trust.

    2. i turned 28.  which was really grand.  KK tried to throw me a surprise party, but i was being a brat and wouldn’t commit to going out for a night.  so i messed that one up.  dangit.  i’ve always wanted a surprise party too!  but i did make my friend Angry Santa let me share his bday party.  and the Porch Mice (an awesome band that my friend is in) played.  they gave me a shout out, but i missed it because i didn’t know that they had started playing & was hiding in the back room soaking up the air conditioning.  woopsie.  but their set was rocktastic, and there was tons of hanging out with friends, and many a pimm’s cup was consumed by yours truly.  so def a good bday in my book.
    3. i went to bermuda with the fam.  yes kids, be jealous.  cuz i am totes pulling the “i went to bermuda” dance right now.

      hooray!

       

    4. i have a fantabulous new roomie.  we’ll call him Aa.  so now it is no longer casa de Meredith…it’s casa de Aarodith.  it is the bees knees of casas.

      a super old pic of us, but we still look this amazing.

       having Aa as a roomate is the jam.  he’s hilarious.  he can beatbox like a freakin champ.  he’s thoughtful.  he loves my monster puppy & has given him a new middle name.  he has great style.  he has great music taste.  he listens to me when i whine and either gives me stellar advise or tells me to suck it up & be an adult when i need to be.  he likes to do the chores that i don’t like to do (and i like to do the chores he doesn’t).  he’ll wax poetically about the great music videos of the 90’s.  we have dance parties.  we abusively abbreviate words.  we watch 1G5Gs together every night.  really, the only problem is that i stay up way to late because we’re hanging out & having a blast.  so, yeah, other than sleep deprivation, i’d say that it is fantastico.

    5. speaking of clean garages & new roomie…the ole hacienda got a face lift as well.  although i loved my old home decor, i’ve had it that way for 6+ years.  so i decided new roommate deserves a new vibe to the house.  something breezy with a dash of bright.  and random things that are awesome.  so headed over to our local hardware store, bought a crap ton of paint, and had a painting party.  new curtains, new chandelier, new vibe.  i like to call it beach glam.  although there is not a beach in sight.  but whatevs.  i won’t let that tiny detail hold me back.  we painted a stone dog statue lime green.  i folded a billion paper cranes & made flowers out of magazines.  and (get ready for my moment of pride) we developed 23 of my photos to create  a photo-explosion wall.  i can’t decide on a favorite new item.  i love them all.  and i love that i got to decorate it with Aa.  he didn’t run screaming when i unleashed what i like to call “project meredith”.  she is a detail oriented, slightly obsessive freak.  here’s a peek at some of the stuff we repainted…

      don't be scurrred...the rest of my house i kept really neutral

       

    6. visitors are awesome.  i’ve had a few friends pop into town, and i love that.  Noodle came into town 2 weeks ago, and Annie Bee is coming into town tomorrow.  these are things that make my heart happy.  great friends and great times.

so yes.  that is all that i’ve been up to.  you know, besides the normal work work work and whatnot.  gotta love it.  oh!  and i’m getting new reading glasses.  which is super freakin rad.  because i love glasses.  if i could, i would have a million pairs of them.  unfortunately i don’t need them too much.  only when i’m staring at a computer (which is a lot) or reading (which i do that too).  but, you know, i just might rock ’em when i don’t really need them.  that’s how i roll.  living on the edge.

final thing, and then i swear i’m signing off for now & will return again.  dude, have you noticed the weather lately?  it’s like fall is here.  kinda.  i checked out my weather app & the rest of the week is under 100 degrees.  fall…soups…sweaters…boots…scarves…new glasses…oh my, i’m about to have a full on overload of wonderfulness! 

it's fall! jump for joy!!

 until next time…stay classy my friends.


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DO NOT OPEN THAT DOOR!

it’s been a while.  so why not start of with something random and slightly embarrassing?  i think it’s only fair, since i’ve been neglecting the dear ole blog.

 

here in a month, something really exciting is happenin at the Casa de Merry.  one of the coolest people i know is going to become my roommate.  he’s awesome, hilarious, and one of my bestest friends.

 

that’s not the embarrassing thing though.  that is the radness that is going to happen in august.

the state my spare bedroom (which will become his bedroom) is the embarrassing part.  uber embarrassing.  the uberest of embarrassment.  kids, it’s what i like to call my “hoarder room of doom”.  and normally, no one is allowed in there.  ever.  unless you’re loydikins or rhondie.  other than that, it’s off-limits.  when giving the “home tour”, if you attempt to open that door, i will fling myself towards it and say in a high-pitched squeaky voice “don’t open that door! “

don't go in there! oh the horror!!!!

yes.  it is that bad. 

there is clean laundry waiting to be folded.  piles of clothes that need to be laundered.  a closet crammed full of old clothes that i haven’t worn in years but somehow cannot bear to part with.  boxes of stuff that hasn’t yet found a home.  completed & partially completed costumes and projects.  there are random books.  random shoes.  random vacuum cleaners.  it is where i dump things when “oh shit, so-and-so is coming in 10 minutes…i gotta keep up the pretense that i have a organized-ish home…i’ll just put XYZ in here for now”.  and then that is where XYZ will live for the next 3 years.

*sigh*

 

kids, i wish i was exaggerating.  but sadly, i’m not.  this one room is just pure chaos.  not just the normal organized chaos of my life.  pure effing chaos.

in preparation for the Great Move-in (yes, it needs caps because it’s going to be GREAT!), i knew there was one main thing i needed to do.  i needed to clean. that. room.  eek!

 

but i’m weak.  i would want to keep everything.  and, honestly, the task was so massive that i needed help.  lots and lots of help.  and someone who is a tidy & organized individual that would give me the honest to goodness words of “you don’t need to keep that” and not let me BS my way into hanging on to it for another year or 10.

enter Allison.  she is all of the above, and super rad too.

see? she’s awesome

 

with her help, and the help of many a glad bag, i was able to whip both the closet AND the hoarder room of doom into shape.  what’s nicest about the lovely miss Allison is that she did not mock or gasp too much when i first opened the door that is never opened.  she did say something to the effect of “oh my”, but nothing like “holy bananas, are you effing kidding me?  you’re on your own freakazoid, i’m out” and run for the hills.  nope, she is an organizational trooper.  a warrior of sorting.  a princess of de-clutter.

 

really, the best part of everything (other than hanging out with Allison, of course) was digging through drawers long forgotten and finding some shirt loooong forgotten.  i found a belt that i’ve been trying to find for  years.  and a few dresses i thought had gone to the great closet in the sky.  but bestest of all, there were some really awesome fashion statements i was making circa 1999.  and yes, i still had outfits from the 90’s.  in fact, a several freaking drawers full of some seriously baaaaaaad outfits from the 90’s…some of them looked very much like this…

whateeeeever...you know you loved these outfits

 but you’d be very proud of me.  i did let go & put them in the “goodwill” pile, because let’s be honest, no resell shop worth their salt was going to accept a backless pale pink crop top made of terry-cloth.  i set very strict rules for what i was allowed to keep & what would either be donated or resold.  for instance, if i haven’t worn it in over a year & 1/2, then it was doneski.  i only had to be scolded a few times for clutching a shirt and muttering some comment like “buuuut, i wore this to my first day of college and it was such an amazing day with rainbows and majestic unicorns frolicking in the UMC.  i can’t possibly give it away!!”

 

cut to 12 hours, 8 bags of trash, 8 bags of goodwill, and 5 bags clothes to resell later.  my closet is beautiful.  shoes are organized & have their own little home.  all of my clothes are grouped together by article AND color.  it is truly a sight to behold.  it is beautiful.  radiant.  glorious.

seriously fantastic

and the hoarder room of doom?  who knew there was really a floor in there?  well, there is.  and it is now visible.

ok, so other than the rando vacuum cleaner that needs to go and the furniture that needs to go to storage, this room is ready to rock n roll!

all i have left to do in preparation for my new roomie is to clean out the garage.

 

but that is a story (and a chore) for another day.  it is effin hot here in oklahoma & i have a pre-4th of july beer pong palooza party to get to.  keep your fingers crossed that KK & I win the tournament (like the champions we are) and have a happy 4th of july kiddos.


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INSOMNIA & THE BEAST

gotta love it when the weather changes…it’s not longer cold (most of the time), the days are sunnier, and all the fun spring/summer dresses come out from hiding in the closet.

but you know what’s not so fun?  my mild case of seasonal insomnia.  that’s right.  while i’m celebrating all of the awesome things that happen when we move from winter to springandsummer (you have to say them together here in oklahoma…since spring is just a small blip before we’re slammed into the heart of summertime), i’m also cursing it.  and the week long of sleepless nights i’m cursed with.

normally, i can handle it like a champ.  i might be a bit grumpy pants, but i snap out of it quickly and then am back to sleeping like a baby.  but this round of insomnia?  i have one Mr Bixby Bartholomew Cornelius Black to thank for making it extra horrible.

 

yeah, Mr Bix, i’m talking to you…you bug-eyed jerkface of a dog.

dont be fooled by his sweet face and bat ears...i know the true Mr Bix. and right now, hes in "evil" mode.

 

i mean, i’ve been having enough trouble falling asleep on my own.  the temperature is either too hot or too cold.  i can’t get comfortable.  and while my eyes are like sandpaper when i blink, i cannot get my brain to shut down long enough for me to slip into REM-land.  crap, i even listened to some R.E.M. the other night to try & lull myself to sleep.  and while michael was singing about losing his religion, i was thinking of how i was losing my precious sleep hours.

but then, THEN, you add Evil Mr Bix into the picture.  and i am lucky if it’s only 4am when i fall asleep.

i hate that damn clock
 
 

here’s what Evil Mr Bix does.  he pretends like he’s going to be all sweet and cuddly.  then the second i start to almost drift off to sleep, he jumps up and roams around the bed to find a different spot to sleep…of course this wakes me up (his little paws are like lead!) and i have to toss and turn a bit to find a new comfy spot.  finally, we both settle down.  and i start to drift off to sleep.  and BAM! he repeats the whole drill.  THREE EFFING TIMES!  oh, not to mention his toots of pure concentrated evil from hades!  in between each round, he likes to throw in a sneak toot attack just for the hell of it.

finally, i’m lightly dozing…it’s 3:45am and i’ve been struggling to fall asleep since 11pm.  and Evil Mr Bix is tired of the fun game he has been playing for the past 4 hrs.  so instead, he jumps down from the bed and i think “sweet baby jesus, thank you for making him go downstairs”.  but, no.  he sits on his stool, staring at me with his big bug eyes, and does his “wake up mom!  i’m hungry/gotta pee/wanna play” bark.  for 10 minutes.  which, 10 minutes is my limit and i, of course, get up to check his food bowl (there’s food in there), check his water bowl (filled to the brim with fresh water), let him out to pee (he doesn’t need to…he’s already been out 3 times).  then i stare at his “tug of war” toy, snarl at Mr Bix, and go back to bed.

i know what you’re thinking.  you’re thinking “meredith, why don’t you just lock him out of the room?  did you even take him for a walk to wear out his energy?  and furthermore, why do you let him sleep in the bed?”

first of all, that dog is devious.  if i kicked him out, then he’d spend 20 minutes barking.  followed by a nice “spite pee” outside of my bedroom door.  yes, he spite pees…i told you he was sometimes Evil Mr Bix, didnt’ i?  secondly, yes.  we went on a walk.  hell, we went on a walk, i let him out 3 times, AND i played tug of war with him for 20 minutes while i watched RuPaul’s Drag Race.  finally, normally he is snuggly and cuddly and that is why i let him sleep in the bed.

this crap has got to stop, though.  i don’t think i can take it anymore.  i may be forced to send him to boot camp so he’ll clean up his act.  do they have a Maury Povich show that scares the crap out Evil dogs and makes them have a “come to jesus” moment?  does someone know the dog whisperers number?  oh, wait, scratch that.  the dog whisperer would just make me feel like a bad mom for treating Mr Bix like a “human”.

whatever.

you know what the final, most horrendous insult of it all is?

my alarm clock goes off, i have to peel myself out of bed and force my muscles to let me stand upright.  i have to shower, get ready, got to work, and earn money to provide us with a roof over our head & food in our bellies.  what does Mr Bix do?

he steals my damn pillow and sleeps on

 

my dog is a real asshole sometimes. 


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ANOTHER YEAR, ANOTHER SNOWSTORMPALOOZA

holy snowstorm, batman!  after weeks and weeks of balmy winter weather, good ole mother nature decided to flex her muscles & send her pal jack frost our way.  with a freakin vengeance.

he looks so nice! too bad he's really not.

 

now, oklahomans are good at a lot of things.  like football.  and supporting football.  and being polite to strangers.  and knowing what to do during a tornado. 

however, you send a snowstorm our way & shit gets real…real bad. 

first, our snow plows aren’t the best.  nor are they the sharpest.  i saw several plows/sand trucks on the road weds when i had to work, and only 1/3 of them were performing their job.  the others were just moseying down the street like it was any other sunny day in the neighborhood.

second, there is always a frenzy at the grocery store the day before.  people are literally losing their damn minds trying to buy bread, milk, water, and (according to my friend the Pied Piper) ground beef & tomato paste.  i went to go buy a few things (all i had in my fridge was ketchup & 3.2 beer), took one look at the line to get a shopping cart, and bolted back to my car.  seriously?  a line for the shopping carts?!  insanity.

and finally, we suck at driving in the snow.  we do.  it’s horrible.  and you’re either a member of 2 groups.

group 1: big trucks going WAY to fast.  hey buddy, there’s ice under that snow…and your ford F1million doesn’t mean jack shit on ice.

group 2: your car is just completely unequiped to handle this.

me?  i’m a member of group 2.  after 4 yrs living in colorado, i know how to drive in snow.  heck, i can parallel park uphill in the snow in one try.  however, my dear dear car kenny is a complete failure in this weather.  bless his buttons.  he was made for long stretches of clear highway… not a blizzard.

so here is my story.

i went over to my mom’s house to pick up Mr Bix.  i had made it there a-ok & thought that it was going to be smooth sailing.

boy was i wrong.

i was almost home…aaaaalllllmost home.  and then, BAM!, stuck.  i did the appropriate “get unstuck” procedure.  but poor lil kenny is just crap on snow.  i got out, kicked some of the snow from the tire area, tried again, cursed, yelled, tried again.  nothing.  stuck city.  i got back out, kicked the snow again, cursed, yelled, tried again.  rinse & repeat 3 times. 

well, hell. how am i supposed to get out of this?!

a nice guy in a volvo suv got out & helped.  he was able to move it.  3 feet.  before stuck city again.  at which time he said “sorry, gotta go” and left the unhelpable kenny.

so i got out, kicked some snow, yelled, cursed, and tried again.

then a nice guy in a truck stopped.  he tried to tow kenny.  we moved 3 feet.  then stuck city again.  at which time he said “sorry, gotta go” and left the double unhelpable kenny.

so i got out, kicked some snow, yelled, cursed, and tried again.

then my mom & a nice guy in an altima got out & helped me push kenny.  we moved 3 feet.  stuck city.  at which time a neighbor came out of his house to help my mom, me, & nice altima guy push kenny.  we moved 3 feet.  quadruple stuck city.  then a nice guy in a bigger truck got out & helped my mom, me, nice altima guy, & nice neighbor guy push. 

all together now

finally.  Finally.  FINALLY, my mom zoomed off in kenny (she was steering…of course i wouldn’t make my mom push the car).  as i watched her zoom off, i realized that i wasn’t actually in the car.  and i needed to be.  crap on toast.  after being stuck, and unstuck 4 different times in 9 feet of space (and twisting my knee, btw), i finally get the car zooming & i’m not in it.

lucky for me, my mom is a smart cookie & pulled into the cleared parking lot of the gas station 2 blocks up.  so i helped push nice altima guy’s car because he was now stuck, and then trekked up to claim my car.

i prayed very very hard to sweet baby jesus on the ride home that if he helped me make it safe & sound the rest of the way home, then i would not tell any rude baby jesus jokes for a very long time.  so now i owe that to sweet baby jesus.

i’ve also vowed that next time i buy a car, i will not buy a sports car.  nope, i will not be lured by sleek lines and a fast engine.  i will buy a big car.  a big, eff off truck.  maybe i’ll buy an F1million. 

screw you horrible road conditions!