Merry Merry Quite Contrary how does the story go?

THE FOLLIES OF A MEREDITH IN OKC


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A HUG DEFICIENCY

eep.  i just tallied how many hugs pics i have completed and how many i have left to go.  several charming people have mentioned that i’m behind the hug curve, but doing the math really drove it home.  here, i’ll share…

my daily average needs to be 5.5 per day….let’s round it up to 6.

today is the 58th day of the year.

so i should be at 319 hugs by now.

so far i have 169 hugs (17 have yet to be posted on FB).

i am short 150 hugs.

man o man, i really need to step up my game.  in a big bad way.  luckily i am going to T town for lil M’s bday extravaganza.  i think i can put a real dent in the 150 hugs…heck, if my camera will stay charged i think i could accomplish 150 hugs.  we are returning to sutures, which is a fantastic.  i absolutely love that place (keep your fingers crossed that i have another $13 tab!!).  there will be a gathering of my favorite tulsa-ites, not to mention several of my favorite okc kids making the trek up north.  and once i have a few alcoholic beverages in my system, i have no problem asking strangers for hugs.  yeah, i think i can get 150 hugs.  easy breezy.

  

but that will just get me to where i need to be.  i need a better strategy for this whole project. 

instead of looking at it daily, i’m going to look at it weekly.  during the week i’m all work-zombified and snapping hug pics doesn’t even register in my pea-brain.  if i look at the week as a whole, i have to get 42 hugs a week.  that’s simple enough.  i can get that done on the weekend…anything extra is just gravy.

 

mr bix says "be a cool kid like me, give my mom a hug!"

another thought…what about a HUG BENEFIT? 

it’ll cost you nothing, just a friendly embrace that’s documented on jpeg.  it’d benefit project 2,010 hugs in 2010.  not to mention it’d be a big victory to me over the sneaky sneak ‘010.

here’s how it would work…i’ll pick a neat location.  i’m thinking on a sunday.  and i’ll stay there for a period of time, probably 2 hours or so.  most likely early afternoon… that way people have time for brunch and whatnot.  then i’ll let everyone know where and when i’ll be (in advance, of course). 

then, if you want to donate a hug picture for the 2,010 hugs in 2010 all you have to do is show up.  you can bring whoever you want to hug.  or if you just want to hug lil ole me, i’m more than happy to oblige.  

after the hug picture has been taken, you can mosey on or stay and kick it with me.

it’d be nice to mix up the people in the pics (not that i don’t love my stone-cold solid homies that have let me snap many a hug pictures…you guys rock and i appreciate each and every hug!!).  and it’d be cool to reconnect with people that i don’t talk to as frequently.

 

SURVEY TIME!!

so, dear readers…all 5 of you wonderful people…what do you think?  would you attend the hug benefit if i set it up?  let me know your thoughts and opinions…

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SOMEBODY CALL GHOSTBUSTERS

because last night there was some eerie stuff goin on at my house.

 

it all started yesterday with my Store Brother (he’s the mngr at another store and we have the same leader…so he’s my store brother).  he made a comment yesterday on my facebook, and i quote “Staring kids are creepy. Just think of a little ghost kid peering in your window as you lay down to go to sleep. nighty night”.

thank you, Store Brother…you freakin turd! 

i am a total pansy when it comes to all things scary or haunted.  i can’t watch horror movies, not even the campy ones.  as a kid, i hated the sleep overs where all they wanted to do was watch It or Dr. Giggles or Friday the 13th.  no thank you.  not for me.  i like comedies, or action flicks, or chick flicks.  heck, Ghostbusters gave me nightmares for weeks!

i don’t really believe in ghosts or ghouls…but i also don’t discount the possibility of their existance.  i think my room at the sorority house was haunted (yes, i was in a sorority…crazy, huh?) but she was a fun-loving ghost who wanted to listen to my music.  and who could blame her?  i have exceptionally great taste in music.  and after we had a chat, she always kept it under volume level 6.

but creepy staring ghost kids?  not the kind of ghost i want to hang out with at night.

no creepy ghost kid!! stop staring at me!!!

 

despite Store Brother’s mean-spirited comment, i decided not to let it freak me out and cause me a sleepless night.  and i did really well.  until 3:02 am when Mr Bix bolted from his sleeping place by my knees and started to go bat shit crazy.  he had the full mohawk going and was barking and growling like a hound from hell.  sometimes he does this when he hears a noise.  and it’s always directed towards my bedroom door (which makes sense because it leads to downstairs).  but this time, was he barking at the door?  no.  he was barking at the window. 

thank you Store Brother…you freaking turd!

i tried calming him down, but Mr Bix was having none of that.  so i did what any intelligent, logical 26 yr old adult would do in this situation.

i hid under my down comforter and sang the Ghostbusters song.

anyone have their number so i can give them a call? store brother's footin the bill


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DON’T STARE, KID. IT’S RUDE

i’m standing in line at mcalesters debating on whether i want to be good and get an iced-t or if i want to be bad and get a coca cola classic, when i glance to my left i notice this little girl.  staring at me.  very intensely.  i think “awe, what a cute kid” and smiled at her.  she just stared back, not even a shy smile back…nothin.  whatevs.  i go back to my internal debate: tea or coke.  however i still have that feeling that someone is watching me.  i glance over, yep…creepy kid is still staring at me.  i do a small wave.  nothing.  kid juuuuuust keeps staring.

 

seriously?  first of all, how long does it take her parents to order?  i need them to move along and take their unblinking child of the corn away.  secondly, didn’t anyone teach her that it’s rude to stare?

you're creepin me out

 

i like kids.  when they are far away and not near me.  if they are close by…hmmm, thanks but no thanks.  (except for cohcoh and rikitikicambo and baby z.  those kids are legit and they are excluded from everything i am about to say about not liking kids.)

and even though i don’t like kids, and think that i am sending off the “hey kid, don’t talk to me” vibe, they always seem to gravitate towards me.  but not in an “awe, i’m a cute kid.  let me tell you cute kid stories and be all cute.”  no, i get the creepy unblinking kids that like to sit right across from me and stare.  without blinking.  when your eyes take up 1/2 of your face (like they do on kids) and you don’t blink, it is really eerie.  like creeps me out bigtime eerie.  i don’t know how to talk to kids.  they don’t understand my sense of humor.  they don’t understand the colloquialisms that i like to use.  heck, they don’t even talk to me.  they just sit.  and stare. 

then there are newborns and tiny babies, woah….shut the front door!  i mean, c’mon!  they have a self-destruct button on the top of their head fer cryin out loud!  and they wiggle.  and cry.  and spit up.  they’re cute and all, for about  minutes.  and then what?  they don’t perform tricks or do anything cool…they just eat and sleep.  they do have that “baby smell”.  until they poop.  and then they smell just like my great-grandmother.  eau de great grandma is not a pleasant smell, believe you me…that’s why i call her poo hefner.

 

so, yep, kids…not much of a fan.  and it seems like lately they’re everywhere.  sort of like the first scenes of Baby Mama.  this has happened before…the babies & kids everywhere thing…but i was like 22 and i would just dodge the strollers and try to keep as far away as possible.  it’s a little different now that i’m 26.  when kids are near, i hear a little tick tock, tick tock sound from my uterus.  reminding me that i’m not getting any younger and “isn’t it about time that i settle down and pop a few kids out?”  and for 5 seconds i think, “gee wouldn’t that be nice?”.  then my brain overrides the biological clock.  it reminds me that i have an irrational fear of wet wipes and that kids require the use of a lot of wet wipes.  it also reminds me that i am afraid of kids.  i hear that once you have one, that all changes.  but i’m not so sure about that.  for now, i’m going to carry on my desire to not be a baby cannon.  

 

to all of you parents out there: teach your kid that it’s rude to stare.  and if someone smiles at you, smile back…it just makes the world a better place.


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ZOMBIE VILLE, USA

is it just me, or has the past few weeks felt just totally blah?


i’ve done a social survey, and apparently i’m not alone.  so i feel the necessity to rant about this.


see, the thing is, i haven’t felt bad.  i’m not like “argh, damn you ‘010!! you’re such a cock-smack!!”.  but i’m also not like “wooohooooo!  in your face ‘010! put that in your pipe and smoke it!”.  mostly it’s just shades of gray with the occasional burst of color (like valentine’s day, red’s party, and today’s boudoir shoot.  which by the way, i brought sexy back.  and no one but me will see…it’s a sneaky sexy back).


i feel like i’m on the verge of something.  it’s like that split second on the swing where you’re about to break gravity.  and then WOOOOOOOOSH you swing back down.  my question is this…is the woosh back down going to be the exhilarating ride that builds the excitement for the next climb or is it going to be the last swing before i toss my cookies and decide to go home?


me, i’m the eternal optimist.  really, i am.  a lot of weird shit has been going on (coo-coo-crazy-train people, my night-time dreams, mr bix jumping on me more than usual) and it hasn’t even phased me.  and a lot of things that i once felt were the end-all-be-all no longer seem that important.  but i can’t help but wonder “what’s just over the horizon?”


i’ve seen glimpses, i’ve seen glimmers…so i can’t help but quirk my lips in a sly smile and think “shit’s going to get bananas here soon, and imma gonna like it”.  right now i’m hibernating, and come springtime…all bets are off.


so who’s with me?  have you been feeling zombie-esque lately?  have you felt so blah or tunnel visioned that you don’t know what day it is?  come with me, my friend…i have a feeling that things are going to be freaking a-maze-ing.

and if they aren’t, well…at least i’ll have your brains to eat.  mwahaha.  kidding.

here’s a pg-13 pic from my boudoir shoot.  not gonna lie, me + vintage records = pretty freakin awesome.

 

sneaky sexy back


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OPERATION BRINGING SEXY BACK

things have been pretty crazy lately.  and it’s not in a “good” or “bad” way.  just in a “holy bananas, i’ve got a million things to do” way.  i’ve been very productive and have avoided the procrastination pitfall that i normally find myself in.  it’s just left me with very few funny stories or time to think of funny stories.  in fact, i’ve been a bit of a zombie.  minus the whole eating brains thing.  and as a result, the poor lil blog has been neglected.  so for my break, i am taking a “zack morris” time out to show the blog some love. 

while my weekdays lately have been work work work then go home and crash, my weekends have been anything but mild.  last weekend it was the copa with Lil M and TJ, this weekend it was a party at the craziest house i’ve ever been to with KK and Gordy. 

Gordy has this friend, Red, who was throwing a house party.  and his house is absolutely bananas.  you walk in, and it looks normal enough.  until you get to the living room.  which has full wall murals of family guy and the simpsons.  not to mention color lights that pulse to the music, fog machine, disco ball, black & white graphic floor.  and in the middle, the piece de resistance…a stripper pole.  then you move to his kitchen, which has a huge mural of him & 3 of his best friends.  next up is the garage, with a huge wall mural of a police line-up wall and various sofas.  finally is the bathroom, which has graffiti all over the place.  all in all, his house is set up to party.  all the time.  all day long. 

party all night long with the disco ball

 

so, what’s up with encountering so many stripper poles?  first it was sutures, then Red’s house, and next weekend it’ll be at sutures again (for lil Ms bday bash).  at first glance, i was like “wow, that’s crazy, i would never dance on that”.  after a few glasses of ye ole bota boxed wine i thought “hmmm, that looks interesting”.  after 1/2 the boxed wine i thought “i can freakin do that!!”  so i did. 

now, don’t think i was all sexy-like.  oh no, my friends.  it was more like i would run as fast as i could and spin around in circles…which resulted in either 1) me falling on my ass or 2) running *splat* right into it.  it is definitely harder than it looks, and now my arms are killing me and i have several random bruises from plummeting to the ground.  i don’t think i’ll be repeating this next weekend at sutures. 

we all had a blast, met 4 new peeps that are freakin fantastic, and took tons of pics (most of them hug-related).  i felt a little bad, because KK, Gordy, the 4 new peeps and I dominated the party, even outshining the chick whose party it was and her attendees.  ah hell, who am i kidding…i didn’t feel bad at all.  stone-cold party crashing beotch, that’s me.  all in all, victory. 

   

now let me perform a flash-back to before the house party.  i went to the mall in search of some new jeans and perhaps a new shirt.  i had my 1st bonus check in the bank and thought i deserved something shiny and new.  i found a pair that fit nicely (which is a freakin miracle because NOBODY makes jeans for people like me: skinny legs, no ass, and a fatbank), but alas they had the stupid “whiskering” effect.  like so… 

not attractive on anyone

 

here’s the deal.  this does not look good on anyone.  who wants radiating lines from your crotch?  especially on the thighs?  i don’t want my thighs to look any bigger than they are.  does anyone want that?  if so, i will kick you in the shins. 

   

so that brings me up to today.  and my operation “bring sexy back” (no, the dancing on friday was not sexy…at all). 

earlier this month, i thought i hated all of my clothes.  friday evening, i realized that i really just hated me in all my clothes.  over the past year (let’s be honest, 2) i have become more “fluffy” than i would like.  and it’s about darn time that i did something about it.  besides bitching about it, lord knows i’ve done plenty of that.  i wish i could afford to go to my personal trainer friend, but she is way to expensive for my meager pocketbook.  instead, i have enlisted the help of my cousin (not Lil M, my other cousin).  i shall now refer to him as the Drill Sgt.  here is why he’ll be a good work out friend: 

1) he goes to the gym like every day 

2) i can’t con him into going out for a beer instead of working out 

3) he has zero tolerance for me whining that i don’t want to go and will mock me if i even try 

so i am going to be a more svelte version of me from now on (last night’s dinner of peppered steak, mashed potatoes, and artichoke dipped in garlic butter was my last caloric hurrah).  i don’t want to be a size 0…let’s face it, mama likes to eat and that will never happen.  my goal is to take the fat bank from the foreign exchange market down to the bank of america.  that’s when i look my best.  

   

watch out world, i’m bringing sexy back (yeh).


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WELCOME TO MY PRINTER HELL

holy bananas.  all i want to do today is be productive.  has that happened?  no.  and it’s not because i’m procrastinating…it’s because of the evil HP color printer that lives in the inventory room and it’s 2 cronies (the other printers).  it’s like the troll that lives under the bridge and won’t let the billy goats gruff pass. 

 

our pricing changed on some of the items, so i, like the good manager i am, go to print them.  it has to be in color and the only color printer is in the inventory room…inconveniently located from all of the items that i need to update.  

not all of our prices have changed.  so i think “hmm, to save myself the trouble of manually writing out all the phone’s current prices, i’ll just print of the pricing matrix and compare the price tags!  meredith, you are one smart lady.” 

man, i’m a genius.  i’m sitting back in the room, feeling very proud of myself, pull up the matrix and print to the black & white printer (gotta save the company’s dime…color printer ink is expensive!!)

easy breezy.

weird, 3 blank pages.  i must have done something wrong.

re-print.

3 blank pages.

copy matrix to Word, reprint.

ERROR.

what the crap.  delete printer, re-add printer, reprint.

ERROR.

fine.  you wanna be like that?  choose different black & white printer and reprint.

3 blank pages.

ok, now i know that by now i’ve spent more time on this than if i had just written down the prices myself.  but i’m on a mission.  a mission to beat the stupid printer.

delete 2nd printer , re-add 2nd printer, reprint matrix.  then i copy onto Word and print…a 2 sided attack!

3 blank pages.  ERROR.

 

fine.  i give up.  walk around & take note of the ones that changed.

go back to inventory room.  pull up the documents and print on the color printer.  pull the documents off of the tray and flip through them.  hmmm…only 1/2 of them are the right color (a distinctive slate blue) and the rest are a creepy flesh color.  color ink is out.  fantastic.  i scurry to my office, dig through my desk…i only have black ink.  awesome.  freakin fantastically awesome.

 

i write-up a list of other things i need, grab my keys and head to the office supply store. 

of course i get the squeaky cart.  of course nothing is where it should be.  of course i forgot my phone which has a note of the type of ink i need at my store.  of course of course of course.

i want to sit down in the middle of the store and throw a screaming, leg kicking fit like a 2 yr old.

i find the ink (luckily my mind is like a steel trap and i remember what kind), push my squeaky cart to the check out line, and head back to the store.

i print off the rest of my price cards, cut them to the appropriate size, and place them on the sales floor.  done.  and it only took me 1.5 hours. 

currently i am sitting at my desk, eating the oh-so-bland leftover subway sandwich and water (all the while wishing it was a greasy cheeseburger and a vat of coca-cola classic.  let’s face it, mama needs to eat her emotions today) and venting to my blog.

*pop* incoming email!  it’s a list of the prices that need to be changed (gee, thanks…great timing).  i’m scanning it…oh, sweet, there are 3 price cards i missed…that’s just fantastic.  that’s freakin fantastically awesome.

 

would it be so wrong if i throw all of the printers out into the street?

 

thank tiny baby jesus (and brimsy for buying them) that i have a stash of girlscout cookies i can devour. 

 

hug picture of the day…because i miss Lil M and i also really would love a shot

me & lil m showing our appreciation to the liquor gods via hugs


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MY ASS WAS NOT SQUEEZED BY SEXY CUPID

but i did have a blast this weekend, and that’s fo sho.

obviously i did not have a “special someone” to share a romantic gaze across a candle-lit dinner with.  but i did have 2 amazing friends to share pizza and watch the olympics with while we waxed poetically about who smelled more like the bars. 

 

let me rewind a bit to saturday night…

Lil M and her friend TJ came into town on saturday.  so of course we have to go out and party it up OKC style.  for the past week, i’ve felt like a zombie.  i’ve just been blah and uninterested/uninteresting.  saturday night, the zombie woke up and wanted to party.  like it was 1999.  and party we did.

we went to edna’s, we went to the copa, we picked up 3.2 beer and carried the party to my house.  i took a million pictures of people hugging.  well, not really a million.  but i did bring the count up to over 100 (i’ll post them soon, i promise).  i laughed, i talked, i counted & recounted all of the hug pictures i took.  heck, i even danced…and for those of you don’t know me well, let’s just say that i have to be past tipsy and on the way to smashed-ville if i’m dancing.

 

that brings us up to the valentine’s day. 

and one very hung-over meredith.  one of the crappier things about being 26 is that my post-drinking rebound time is significantly longer than it used to be.  then again, i don’t drink as much as i used to in college (which is probably a good thing).  anyroo, it now takes me a complete day to recover.  back in the day, all i had to do was eat a nacho bell grande and i’d be back in business.  i tried that yesterday.  FYI, doesn’t work any more.

but lounging about all day with Lil M and TJ does.  We watched movies, took cat naps, complained about how gross we all smelled, ordered pizza, wore stick-on mustaches (mine was a distinguished gray), watched the olympics, and laughed our asses off.

  

hands down the best valentine’s day ever.  i win. 

hug pic of the day…brian & me

the most awkward index-finger hug ever.