so, if the title of this post didn’t already send a warning, here’s a more upfront one.
WARNING! DO NOT READ IF THE FOLLOWING TOPICS ANNOY YOU: retail therapy, the quest for the perfect dress, feeling fat and not so sassy, me bitching, consumerism
because that is what this post is aaaaaalllllllll about kiddos. all a-freakin-bout. if you do enjoy these topics, read on.
i had a mission when i got off of work today. a shopping mission.
i’ve been a little stressed lately (not negative nelly stressed, just a busy bee with a lot on my plate stressed) and am in need of a little retail therapy. and i have a few weddings that i’m shooting with KK coming up soon. add those two things together and i have a new mission: to find the perfect dress to wear for shooting weddings. oooooooh, you know i love me a mission.
before the last wedding, i stood in my closet and hated every potential dress that i could wear. not to mention most were not appropriate. because the perfect dress for this is not my normal go-to dress. there are several factors one must take into consideration. here they are:
1) it must be long enough so that i can move around, crouch down, or climb up to stand on a chair without showing my ladyness to the world. flashing the ladyness to wedding guests is a definite no-no.
2) it must not show too much of cleavage. a little bit is cool (it doesn’t need to be a freakin turtleneck)…but not anything too plunging…i can’t have a nip-slip while i’m wielding the camera. just like the ladyness, the girls must stay out of sight.
3) it must not be a bright, distracting color. i need to be able to blend into the background, that way i can get these great candid moments of real emotion from the guests and bridal party. cobalt blue, chartreuse, or bright coral, while fabulous shades for my skin tone, are not that subtle.
4) it must look professional. i can’t be showing up in my ‘house dress’. gotta look classy for these peeps.
5) it must have all the above and not make me look matronly, frumpy, or like a fat cow. hey, you never know…there might be some hot, single groomsman or guest that catches my eye. even if i’m on a dating zack-morris-timeout doesn’t mean i have to shut the door entirely by wearing some hideous grandma dress.
the problem is that i don’t have a dress that fulfills all of these requirements. oh, i have a dress that’s long enough, shows the appropriate amount of cleavage, and doesn’t make me look like i’m 80…but it’s a bold and sassy color. and i have a dress that matches 1-4 (i wore it the last wedding), but i look like a freakin frump.
how can i solve this? why, take my lil Dillard’s charge card (which i haven’t used in many a month like a good girl) and do some shopping damage! i always have great luck at Dillard’s. always. and 9 times out of 10 the dress i want is on sale sale sale. this will be perfection! retail therapy will be had and the “what do i wear” conundrum will be solved. yes! jump in the car and here i go!
or so i thought.
i found a few great dresses. ones that would fit all the requirements. and even on sale! but me in them? ugh. yuck, gross, and ugh times 2! i either looked like a squeezed sausage or like one of those people who you see and think “oh dear, why didn’t the sales person tell her the truth?”
and it’s my own damn fault. i know exactly why i feel this way. because i do stupid shit like snarf down panda express while guzzling a swimming pool sized dr pepper. and do i work out? fuck no. i haven’t walked anywhere unless it’s from the door to my car or lifted a weight other than a beer in months.
and that ends tonight. Operation Bringing Sexy Back is in full swing. and then, it’s game on shopping mission impossible. freakin game on.