last night was a sad night, my friends. a very very sad night. when i moved back to okc, just shy of 3 years ago, i had a project. a determination. a dream. for almost 3 years, things were going according to plan. in fact, it was perfect. until ‘010 came along and took its great giant foot and squashed my dream like it was an inconsequential bug. at 10:23pm, central standard time, on january 25th in the bastard year of ‘010, my dream died.
i dreamed of a world where i didn’t have to buy toilet paper. a world where toilet paper fell from the skies like manna from heaven. at 10:23pm last night, i had to purchase my first roll of toilet paper in nearly 3 years.
now, don’t get me wrong, i use toilet paper at home. i am a big fan of using toilet paper. my dream was to not have to buy toilet paper. instead, i would beg, borrow or (in times of great need) steal. although i tried to keep the stealing down to a minimum. mostly because it’s always the cheap kind that is not delicate. i have been lucky enough to have some great people who supported my dream…my dad (who was my biggest supporter and thought it was hilarious), my mom (who had great patience), my aunt, KK (the lovely friend who understood my dream), and a few other who have donated a roll or 2 to the cause. i made it 1,060 days without purchasing a single roll of toilet paper. and now it’s all for nothing. it’s gone.
after using the last bit of toilet paper during a routine bathroom visit, i looked under the sink to replace the roll. *gasp* there’s not any there! “no worries,” i think to myself, “i have a upstair bathroom”. no toilet paper there. i was getting a little worried. “i bet i have some kleenex somewhere”. a bit of panic began to creep up my throat. nope. “maybe some paper towels?”. pleasepleaseplease, let there be paper towels. i shut my eyes tight and sent a little prayer to the paper towel gods. i opened them and looked. nope. well shitballs. i eyed a wash cloth but decided that was taking it a bit too far, even for me. i thought about running over to my mom’s however it was past her bed time & when i was over there on sunday she was out too.
guess it was time to face the music. we all have to grow up sometime…our outlandish schemes can’t last forever. damn you, ‘010. damn you to hades.
at 10:23, i entered my local grocery store. i tried not to cry as the cashier rang up the cottonelle.