Merry Merry Quite Contrary how does the story go?

THE FOLLIES OF A MEREDITH IN OKC


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DON’T GO CHASING WATERFALLS

oh the joys of homeownership.

 

tuesday night, i am happily chatting away on the phone with my wonderful cousin Gertie as i unlock my front door & enter my house.  we’re talking about some random something as i kick off my shoes and head to the back door to let Mr Bix out to pee.  as i pass by my kitchen, i noticed the sound of water.  i turn my head to see where the noise is coming from.

 

holy.  banana.  balls.

 

i shout a barely coherent “ohmygodigottagocrapcrapcrap” at Gertie, hang up the phone, turn and stare into the kitchen.

 

there is water.  water gushing from my kitchen ceiling.  specifically from my kitchen’s light fixture (thank god i did not turn the light on!).  my kitchen has a waterfall feature.  a freakin full-fledged waterfall.

a waterfall feature really ups the resale value, dontcha think?

so what did i do?

 

i started shrieking and running around my condo like an idiot.  because that will toooooootally make the waterfall stop.  really, it will.

 

after about 3 minutes of this, i frantically call KK.  why?  i’m not sure…there’s really nothing she could’ve done.  but i needed someone with their common sense intact to help me with the next step.  the one that goes after “meredith freaks the fuck out and runs around shrieking like an idiot”.  KK doesn’t pick up, Hogie does.  he starts his usual “you’ve reached the office of KK, how may i direct your call”.

me: there’s a waterfall in my kitchen!!!!!

hogie: what?

me: a. waterfall. in. my. kitchen. what-do-i-do-what-do-i-do???

hogie: um…turn the water to your place off?

me: where do i do that?  where is the shut off valve??  what does it look like?  how do i know it’s turned off????

oh no! what do i do?!

um…hello…meredith, he obviously doesn’t know that answer.  i should.  i’m the homeowner fer cryin out loud.  but Hogie was very kind, tried to calm me down & had me once again speaking full sentences with the appropriate pause between words.

i called the HOA, they helped me locate the stupid shut off valve.  i punctured a hole in the ceiling to help the water drain.  i placed pots & trashcans underneath the main flow of water.  i called a plumber and scheduled a time for them to come out to my house.

and then i fled my post waterfall apocalypto house for KK’s house, wii, and a stiff maker’s mark on the rocks.

 

 

the next day, a very nice plumber informed me that my hot water tank upstairs needs to be replaced.  and, by the way, my hot water tank’s overflow pan doesn’t connect to any drains.  which is why when it decided to punk out on me, it caused a waterfall in my kitchen (which is directly below).  awesome.  thanks previous homeowner of my place.  you’re swell.

 

 

so on friday, feb 25th, i purchased my very first hot water tank.  i opened the closet that it lives in and took a good look at the new hot water tank.  honestly, it doesn’t look that interesting.  and for as much as it costs, you’d think it could be a little blinged out.  i mean, maybe chrome plated?  or at least the logo should be bedazzled.  or maybe the bottom of it could be red, like the glamorous louboutin shoes?  c’mon…give me a little sparkle here people!

 

oh well, at least i have hot water.  next on the agenda is fixing the kitchen ceiling…which is currently a crumbling pile of soggy dry wall.  maybe i’ll make it bedazzled to compensate for my plain jane water heater.

is this too much for my kitchen ceiling?

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ANOTHER YEAR, ANOTHER SNOWSTORMPALOOZA

holy snowstorm, batman!  after weeks and weeks of balmy winter weather, good ole mother nature decided to flex her muscles & send her pal jack frost our way.  with a freakin vengeance.

he looks so nice! too bad he's really not.

 

now, oklahomans are good at a lot of things.  like football.  and supporting football.  and being polite to strangers.  and knowing what to do during a tornado. 

however, you send a snowstorm our way & shit gets real…real bad. 

first, our snow plows aren’t the best.  nor are they the sharpest.  i saw several plows/sand trucks on the road weds when i had to work, and only 1/3 of them were performing their job.  the others were just moseying down the street like it was any other sunny day in the neighborhood.

second, there is always a frenzy at the grocery store the day before.  people are literally losing their damn minds trying to buy bread, milk, water, and (according to my friend the Pied Piper) ground beef & tomato paste.  i went to go buy a few things (all i had in my fridge was ketchup & 3.2 beer), took one look at the line to get a shopping cart, and bolted back to my car.  seriously?  a line for the shopping carts?!  insanity.

and finally, we suck at driving in the snow.  we do.  it’s horrible.  and you’re either a member of 2 groups.

group 1: big trucks going WAY to fast.  hey buddy, there’s ice under that snow…and your ford F1million doesn’t mean jack shit on ice.

group 2: your car is just completely unequiped to handle this.

me?  i’m a member of group 2.  after 4 yrs living in colorado, i know how to drive in snow.  heck, i can parallel park uphill in the snow in one try.  however, my dear dear car kenny is a complete failure in this weather.  bless his buttons.  he was made for long stretches of clear highway… not a blizzard.

so here is my story.

i went over to my mom’s house to pick up Mr Bix.  i had made it there a-ok & thought that it was going to be smooth sailing.

boy was i wrong.

i was almost home…aaaaalllllmost home.  and then, BAM!, stuck.  i did the appropriate “get unstuck” procedure.  but poor lil kenny is just crap on snow.  i got out, kicked some of the snow from the tire area, tried again, cursed, yelled, tried again.  nothing.  stuck city.  i got back out, kicked the snow again, cursed, yelled, tried again.  rinse & repeat 3 times. 

well, hell. how am i supposed to get out of this?!

a nice guy in a volvo suv got out & helped.  he was able to move it.  3 feet.  before stuck city again.  at which time he said “sorry, gotta go” and left the unhelpable kenny.

so i got out, kicked some snow, yelled, cursed, and tried again.

then a nice guy in a truck stopped.  he tried to tow kenny.  we moved 3 feet.  then stuck city again.  at which time he said “sorry, gotta go” and left the double unhelpable kenny.

so i got out, kicked some snow, yelled, cursed, and tried again.

then my mom & a nice guy in an altima got out & helped me push kenny.  we moved 3 feet.  stuck city.  at which time a neighbor came out of his house to help my mom, me, & nice altima guy push kenny.  we moved 3 feet.  quadruple stuck city.  then a nice guy in a bigger truck got out & helped my mom, me, nice altima guy, & nice neighbor guy push. 

all together now

finally.  Finally.  FINALLY, my mom zoomed off in kenny (she was steering…of course i wouldn’t make my mom push the car).  as i watched her zoom off, i realized that i wasn’t actually in the car.  and i needed to be.  crap on toast.  after being stuck, and unstuck 4 different times in 9 feet of space (and twisting my knee, btw), i finally get the car zooming & i’m not in it.

lucky for me, my mom is a smart cookie & pulled into the cleared parking lot of the gas station 2 blocks up.  so i helped push nice altima guy’s car because he was now stuck, and then trekked up to claim my car.

i prayed very very hard to sweet baby jesus on the ride home that if he helped me make it safe & sound the rest of the way home, then i would not tell any rude baby jesus jokes for a very long time.  so now i owe that to sweet baby jesus.

i’ve also vowed that next time i buy a car, i will not buy a sports car.  nope, i will not be lured by sleek lines and a fast engine.  i will buy a big car.  a big, eff off truck.  maybe i’ll buy an F1million. 

screw you horrible road conditions!