WHERE’S MY HEAD AT?

We’re in the ‘wait & see’ part of cycle 3. This is definitely the hardest part of the cycle. Well, that’s a bit of a lie…the negative pregnancy test is the fucking hardest part. This is just plain ole hard.

The IUI was…well there was a weird hiccup cuz it’s us and heaven forbid something to smoothly…but it was…completed? Obvi don’t know if it was successful yet (fingers crossed) but it happened. We had dropped off B’s specimen bright & early at 7am and then decided to treat ourselves to breakfast at Neighborhood Jam. Luckily we were only 5 minutes from OU Infertility Center because we got a call from our dr saying there was an issue and we needed to get back ASAP to give a second specimen. Our plates had literally just hit the table seconds before the call which was disappointing because i was very excited to get my grub on. But our waitress was quick with the bill & to-go boxes when we said we needed to leave due to an emergency. Bless her.

We raced back & B did his thing for a 2nd time. We still had time until my appointment so we sat in the truck and I cried and B said it was going to be OK. Then we went inside and waited even longer. Fortunately the 2nd specimen did the trick and, while it wasn’t quiiiiiiiite in the optimum range, my dr said it was viable. We still have a shot (albeit a slimmer one) this round.

So now, we wait.

And to be honest, I don’t know how I feel or what to feel. 1st round I was SO hopeful and I just KNEW it would work. 2nd round was tinged with the sadness of loss but also I had the feeling of such poetry that a great joy of a baby…Our Baby…would spring from this sorrow.

This round? I just feel kinda Blue.

I’ve got a case of the Mehs reeeeal bad and I don’t know how to shake it. My overall days & moods have been good. But when I think about if I’m pregnant, I just feel like the emotional equivalent of the shrugging emoji.

I’m not feeling crushed or overwhelmed like at the end of the previous cycles. I’m not totally sad or crying in the bathroom at work. I’m just…Meh.

And this kind of makes me feel bad for not being all peak Excited For The Possibilities Meredith. I’m not meditating or visualizing myself being pregnant. I’m not feeling compelled to Google ‘possible signs of early pregnancy’ and comparing the list of anomalies I may or may not really be experiencing (I burped weird at 2pm…are burps a sign of pregnancy?!?) like I have in the past. And I’m struggling to find the motivation to connect with this cycle. The thought alone seems exhausting to me.

Which only makes me feel a little shame-y. Like if I don’t get excited, will our Star Baby know I so very much want them? Will the Universe take a look at me and be like ‘nah, she doesn’t want it bad enough this round…let’s pass over this time’? I very much do want our Star Baby!!! I very very much do!!!! I’m just tired, yo.

On the other hand, I’ve been a Hype Beast the other rounds and nothing happened. Maybe because i feel differently this time something will actually happen? Who knows…this shit is a mystery to me haha.

Hugs to all you freyands out there. Life is weird. Even this ending to this post is weird but I feel like someone out there needs a hug…so here’s a virtual one.

HOPE SPRINGS ANEW

i realize that i’ve been expressing a lot of the frustration and sadness with this journey. i mean, dude, it’s a lot. but there is definitely a flip-side to that coin.

Hope.

after processing the sadness that a Round didn’t work. after going through the frustration and the meds and the waiting for a doctor’s visit, i’m given a date for the trigger shot and the IUI. i have to relay the info to B and to the various people that are in our little cheer camp. i have to get all the preparations in line because i’m a preparer type and need things all in order. and once all of that happens, Hope springs anew.

that is the current little spot of sunshine that i’m sitting in. wrapping it’s warmth and quiet excitement around me like a cozy sweater and all of the little things i’m hoping for start dancing through my mind

• i hope our kid likes movies and music as much as we do
• i hope our kid has B’s beautiful blue eyes – my favoritest of his facial features
• i hope our kid has a loud boisterous laugh
• i hope our kid loves colors and prints and dresses themselves in outlandish outfits
• i hope our kid has a quirky sense of humor
• i hope our kid has my love of photography
• i hope our kid has B’s love of OSU…or if not, at least loves to watch the games with their dad
• i hope our kid is thick as thieves with their literal band of cousins
• i hope our kid has B’s determination
• i hope our kid has my resilience
• i hope our kid has my mom’s work ethics, B’s mom’s kind heart, and my bonus mom’s focus on family
• i hope our kid has my dad’s ability to adapt to any situation and B’s dad ability to fix darn near anything
• i hope our kid creates amazing friendships like B & I are lucky to have
• i hope our kid has our stubbornness and thumbs it’s nose at this whole list and is their own unique person
• i hope our kid knows how very loved they already are

this Hope is what picks me up from each crashing wave of disappointment. this Hope is what pushes us forward to the next round. this hope is what has me hunting down the perfect Nursery Artwork and ordering gifts for our moms that i can give them when we finally get to announce “SURPRISE! WE’RE PREGNANT!” (and they’re really good too).

god i hope that this is THE round. i hope our star baby decides to come earth-side.

i hope i hope i hope

IS THERE LIFE ON MARS?

this song was at max volume & on repeat allllll day every day 2 weeks ago when i was in the “am i pregnant?” phase of round 2. it was my question to my friend Meredith’s Uterus. *knock knock, is there life in there?

i love a good theme & how can i be mad about a David Bowie/slightly celestial musical theme for this current journey?

sadly though, the answer was No.

round 2 was not the great destined Circle of Life moment i had been hoping for. dagnabbit. there were a few moments where i thought maybe, juuuust mayyyyyybe the obnoxious NEGATIVE – on the pregnancy test was wrong. but in the middle of the Wedding Party Portraits, as i was snapping away beautiful photos of an adorable early-baby-bump bride and her gorgeous and very pregnant matron of honor, i had the definitive “No, you are not” answer that i had been dreading. don’t worry, i was prepared for it and had my trusty black biker shorts under my black dress just in case. but still, man…taking pics of pregnant ladies whilst an unwelcome Aunt Flo comes to visit is a reeeeeeealllllll kick in the dick.

good news again that i didn’t have to have my period induced which launched us with a quickness into Round 3. and as i was popping 3 little letrozole pills and said “3rd times a charm! chinchin!” to B, he goes “uhhhh i have some news for you”. turns out another family member announced her pregnancy. that makes it 4 pregnant family members, 1 coworker & 1 close friend. i tried my best to keep it cool (especially cuz i was in front of B & his mom) but after 5 minutes my composure cracked and i had to rush upstairs to weep.

B is amazing and held me close as i drenched his shirt with tears of frustration (and a lot of snot too). he quietly reminded me that we’ve got this. that we’ve come a long way and that we have each other.

it’s so hard to explain…this feeling that i feel when i hear the news of someone close to me being pregnant. it’s not green eyed envy or jealousy or ill-will. people look at me like that’s what i’m feeling, like i’m about to freak out on them. it’s not like that at all. it’s more like jealousy’s much much much sadder cousin. it’s like all i want is to be a part of this pregnant lady club but i can’t quite figure out where the doorbell is and no one can see me standing outside the doors enthusiastically waving. i’m so genuinely happy for everyone and just want to celebrate with them as One of Them.

and i know that you, dear reader, are thinking ‘you will be soon! don’t give up the fight!’ and you are hopefully right. sometimes it’s just hard out there…especially when it seems so easy for others.

which brings us to today and Ye Ole Follicle Check.

overall it went well. i didn’t have the sizes that i did on Round 2 so we’ve gotta let em grow for a few days (trying to project Big Follicle Energy!). but my good pal Lefty had 2 promising follicles so that’s good. we’re scheduled to do the Trigger Shot friday at 9pm…which will be interesting as i’m having a few friends over for dinner & game night (um, hold please while i dash upstairs to give myself this quick shot). Infertility: Never Not Inconvenient. then bright & early on sunday morning we have a dr appt for an IUI. we’ll drop B’s best & brightests right off at the fallopian tubes’ doorstep and then pray like heck that magic happens.

so keep your fingers crossed for us. 3rd times a charm!

HERE’S THE THING…

…i spent a good chunk of my time actively trying not to get pregnant.

i was not prepared for how i would feel when pregnancy turns out to be as elusive as Maltese Falcon.

it’s not something that i knew would be tough. but fuuuuuuuck guys, it. is. TOUGH.

we’ve been trying for a year & a half. and the last 8 months with medical help. we had a stutter start with medical help but unfortunately COVID caused B to fall victim to layoffs. which means we lost our insurance for a spell. but trust that once i had that shiny new insurance card in hand, i marched my butt to my doctor to officially begin our Pregnancy Journey.

it started off a little more low-key with my obgyn…take a round of Letrozole, test with ovulation kits, hope with all my might for that steady Smiley Face, only get the stupid blinking Smiley Face, go 5 days past the ‘testing period’ before calling my doctor in defeat. lemme tell ya, there is no better way to start the day than by peeing on a stick and feeling like a failure. rinse & repeat for 3 rounds.

in december i moved on to infertility specialists. rounds and rounds of tests to try & figure out what specifically is causing that dang little egg to not meet its special sperm.

blood work…oh man, allllllll the blood work that has to be done. i’m like a pro at giving blood now. at one point, my poor little arms had 3 pin pricks at one time. i had to promise my massage therapist that it wasn’t what it looked like…i was just having any and all hormone levels tested.

i had a HSG test whiiiiich was a trip. due to the specific timing of this test, there’s no guarantee you’ll see your main dr. and i was lucky enough to fall at a time where my Doc was off. there’s nothing like meeting someone for the first time with your legs in stirrups so intense that they’re behind your knees. ironically it was a position very similar to Happy Baby in yoga. hey, anything to get a happy baby, amiright? have you had a stranger say “i’m clamping your cervix…i’m cleaning your cervix…”? cuz i have. honestly, the test was pretty cool if you take away the awkwardness and slight discomfort. i got to see an x-ray of a part of my anatomy that stays tucked inside my body. and it didn’t hurt that i got the ‘everything looks normal’ stamp.

basically, i have PCOS. no real clarity on Why but we doooo know the What. and the What is that i don’t ovulate. the freaking linchpin of the whole pregnancy thing is the thing that i am not doing. my Doc drafted up a plan…basically what i was doing before but with a little more OOMF: the Letrozole (at a higher dose), monitoring by my Doc with internal ultrasounds, a Trigger Shot to induce ovulation, and Timed Intercourse (the Sexiest of Sexy Times). 4 rounds like this *fingers crossed* and if it doesn’t work then we will be cleared to move to IVF.

and allllll of this…every single appointment…i have to do by myself. COVID restrictions prevents B from going with me for moral support. i have to remember everything, ask questions, advocate for myself when i’m given ridiculous medical advice (like to lower my caloric intake to 1200 cals & work out to lower my cholesterol without even asking what my current diet/exercise habits are), and remember it all so i can repeat it back to B. every appointment i get poked (blood work), prodded (internal ultrasound), all while sporting a mullet version of an outfit – Business Attire on Top/Pants off & a thin sheet on the bottom. and i know it’s tough on B to not be able to be there for me or really understand what exactly i’m going through.

the whole time you have to have hope…but not too much hope or you’ll get hurt. you have to have focus…but try not to let it consume your life. you have to go to disappointing dr appointments at 7:50am and then try to power through the work day without falling apart (which, i’ve done many a times in the women’s bathroom – shout out to mah work besties for helping pick me up). you have to hear the happy news after happy news after happy news after happy news after happy news after happy news (count it, that’s 6) of friends and family announcing their pregnancies…and god i am SO excited for them and CANNOT WAIT to snuggle those babies…but gah…why can’t i be the one making that announcement too??? i just want to be in this pregnant lady club too! and all the while enduring people’s genuinely well meaning but questionable comments

why don’t you just get drunk…that’s what worked for us!

you just need to relax!

i don’t know WHAT i’d do if it took me a year and a ½ to get pregnant (this one was by a pregnant person)

don’t be so stressed out! it’s not that big of a deal!

the time we stopped trying *BOOM* we got pregnant! maybe you should stop trying?

why don’t you just try IVF? (ummmm, cuz of the $15-20K price tag)

have you thought about adoption? when are you going to do that? why don’t you just do that? (adoption is on the table…but that’s not what we’re focusing on right now)

-well meaning friends

don’t get me wrong, i don’t blame them and i’m not mad at anyone…i mean, what dooo you say to someone in my position? there isn’t a good answer. they’re just trying to make it better and trying to provide me some comfort. i get it. i really really do.

but here’s the thing…this whole situation SUCKS. and we just have to hang in there and we just have to keep trying. i have to just keep hoping and trusting that our amazing, ornery, adorable and stubborn AF kiddo is right around the corner. i’ve taken to listening to David Bowie’s Starman and it’s become my song for this moment in time. specifically for this verse:

There’s a starman waiting in the sky
He’d like to come and meet us
But he thinks he’d blow our minds

hurry up, little Star Baby…give your great-grandma Mouse a hug and come earth side…you will definitely blow our minds but we are 10000% ready for that.

WELL THAT WAS INTERESTING

Last Friday after my husband (from now on lovingly referred to as B) & I finished a post-funeral-pre-family-gathering quickie, I looked over to see a framed photo of Jesus and a 3 foot tall doll staring at me.

In a never ending series of awkward moments, this was perhaps the most awkward. For you see, when you’re in the middle of Infertility Treatment, your Ovulation Window waits for no one & nothing.

Not even your Grandmother-In-Law’s passing and funeral. ‘Yes, B, I know we are both grieving, but don’t forget I have to give myself the Trigger Shot on Tuesday and we need to have sex at least once a day through to Saturday.’

Who says romance is dead?

And as Luck (that jokester) would have it, Conoco’s Turn Around started last Monday. Meaning B’s normally sleepy hometown has an extra 1000+ people in it taking up ALL THE DAMN HOTELS! Even the sketchy roadside motels mockingly displayed No Vacancies signs. So the only lodging available, other than B’s parents house (which would be filled with his sister & her fam), was his Grandma Mouse’s house.

So here we are. Doin It in his grandma’s house on the day of her funeral. Knowing her, Mouse is probably up in Heaven laughing her ass off. She’d say something like ‘why would you pay to stay somewhere when you can stay at Mousie’s house? Lord knows I’m not using it!’

For some reason, that thought makes all of this seem a little better. Although I did tell B that we were going to stay in the other bedroom that night. Jesus doesn’t need to witness another round.

*cue up Circle Of Life

Where the wild thoughts go

Where do you go when your life seems like a real life story of Job? When it’s all so painful it becomes hilarious? And hopefully these frequent situations are temporary but you’re eyeballs deep there’s no end in sight so you can’t tell what state of permanence you’re in?

Where do you go when you need to talk it out but you’re too tired to talk?

I guess to the blog? Is this thing on?

New World, who dis?

Oh hey there blog, it’s me, Meredith.  It’s been a long time.  I’ve picked you back up here and there.  I’ve flirted with the idea of ‘being really good and like totally posting on the reg again’.  And I do, for a week or so and then you go back off into the sea of Meredith’s Good Intentions.

 

I read an article on The Man Repeller today that spoke of the writer’s longing for more Personal Essays.  And while this clearly isn’t going to be a personal essay it diiiiid make me very nostalgic for the past ramblings and sharings of the Blog.

 

These are uncertain times.  These are unusual times.  And my life has evolved so far from my old ramblings.  But then again, has it really?  I started this blog back in 2010 when it felt like every twist and turn the Universe made, it threw me a curveball and a slight kick in the shins.  And 10 years later, ole 2020 is throwing some real WHOPPERS.  Take January, the longest month in existence.  I swear, that month was really like 5 years.  Then February was a topsy-turvy cartwheel of a month.  And now March came in with a cough and is now a full-on Pandemic with COVID-19, social distancing and feels so  Unusual with a capital U.

 

So, I dunno…maybe I’ll start posting stuff again?  Maybe I’ll just post this and then Ghost it again?  Will it be good content?  Probably not.  Most likely it’ll just be more stream of consciousness stuff like this.  Or maybe I’ll get back into trying to make every little bit interesting with thoughtful photos I slide in at just the right paragraph?  Who knows.  2020 is all about the Unusual and stranger things have clearly happened.

 

Oh lord, that last sentence.  Sooo cheesy.  But I’m leaving it in because I can and I want to, so there!

EGG CARTON DINOSAUR

the other day, while on a walk with the wonderful Allison, she brought up an interesting question: what should she do for her Birthday Commitment.  hm.  Birthday Commitment?  i dunno what that is, but it sounds interesting.

each year, for her birthday, Allison finds something that she wants to do for herself.  be it a challenge, or learning something new, or doing something that she’s always wanted to do.

this sounds really interesting indeed.

so this got me to thinking…with July 27th just around the corner, what would i do for my Birthday Commitment?  what is something that i’ve wanted to do for myself that i’ve never made the time for?  after about 5 minutes of thinking, i knew the answer:

Hot Yoga.

i used to go a couple of times a week years & years ago.  and i loved it.  it was such a good workout, detox, & mental health break.  this would be perfect!  on soooo many levels!  i logged some time on the interwebs & found a place that does hot yoga…added bonus, it was right down the street from my house!  yes!  this is the PERFECT idea!!

my plan was to check the place out on my day off, and if i liked it then i would get one of the packages that they offer.  i borrowed a yoga mat  & hand towel.  and at 8am, i pealed myself out of bed & threw on some clothes to head up to the studio.  i pulled into the parking lot & surveyed my surroundings.

and i froze.  standing outside the door chatting were 3 girls.  i say girls, because they were clearly younger than me (and since when did i start noticing people’s age?)  they were tall.  they were slender.  they had awesome yoga outfits paired with elaborate bags specifically designed for their yoga mats.  they probably have been going to 5 classes a week for the past 3 years.

i looked down at myself.

i am short.  i am not slender.  my outfit was clearly not made specifically for yoga.  there wasn’t an “om” logo anywhere in sight and the material was far from organic.  i had an assortment of borrowed items.  and i haven’t taken a class in 7 years.  panic.  pure panic.

see? i don’t have a yoga bag…i have everything just thrown down on my passenger floorboard.

i whipped my car out of the parking lot.  what the hell was i thinking?  how could i pretend that i have enough gusto to just waltz into the great yoga unknown all by myself & find inner peace and a rewarding workout?  seriously?? 

i was instantly transported back to the 5th grade, when i started a new school.  i remember showing up to the 1st day of class in my knee-length, hand-me-down plaid skirt and my all-white sneakers, all excited to meet new people.  i walked into the hallway and there was a group of girls gathered together by the lockers.  they had doc martens.  their skirts were rolled up to show off the bottoms of their colorful boxer shorts.  while my mom said i looked “cute” before i went to school, their older sisters said that they looked “bitchin”.   i was mortified.  the second i got back from school i cried & begged my mom to take me shoe shopping.

compared to them, i looked like the egg carton dinosaur i made in 3rd grade art class. 

and here i was, almost 29 years old.  and i felt like an egg carton dinosaur next to these yoga goddesses.  ugh.

about halfway back to my house, once i got my heart rate to slow down & my face wasn’t quite the shade of a tomato, i realized: i am being so dumb.  who gives a crap about what i’m wearing or how skilled i am at yoga?  i’m going there to learn.  i’m going there to improve myself.  i’m going there to do something for me…and i have to start somewhere.  i couldn’t make this class (it had already started, & i couldn’t walk in late).  but there’s a class on sunday afternoon and i would be there.  motley yoga gear and all.

sunday i will ignore all of my dumb insecurities and remember that it’s not about having the coolest outfit or perfectly mastering the different poses.  i have to have a beginning point, even if it’s as an egg carton dinosaur doing Downward Facing Dog.

A BOOKWORM IN NEED

kids, i’m not gonna lie.  i’m really tired today.  i’m not as young as i used to be. staying up until 2am only to wake up at 7:30am & be ready to rock and roll for work is just not possible anymore.

yes.  i stayed up until 2am on a monday night.  and was it because i was out partying like a rock star?  perhaps i was out gallavanting with the oklahoma city social elite at a place that is so cool & so hip you’ve never even heard of it before?

i wish this was true, but it’s not.  sorry guys, no inside line to the hippest places in OKC on this blog tonight.  nope, i stayed up in true nerdy fashion…being so caught up in a book that i blasted past the decent bedtime, all while wearing my super unflattering bathrobe from a million years ago.  the one that looks a leetle bit like this…

yep. not gonna win any fashion awards for this old lady robe. just one step away from the one my great-grandmother wears.

i dunno if you’ve guessed it or not, but i’m kiiiiind of a nerd.  i read every single night for at least an hour.  i have to.  it’s the only way to get my brain to stop listing all of the things that i have to do or should be doing (and sometimes listing random things that are just ridiculous, like: if Bix could pick a name, which one would he choose?).  so i read.  a lot.

and i would like to pretend that they’re smart kid books (and sometimes they are!  i promise!  it’s, just, ya know, been a while since i’ve read a smarty pants book).  but mostly they’re not.  mostly it’s a fantastical fiction, a mystery, and the occasional roooomance novel…ooooooo. for the most part, i just like something that is a bit whimsical so that i can kick back, relax, and flex my imagination.

which is great and good and super neat.  and i’m trying to get to the point.  the first point is this: after i finish a book, i always get a little sad.  i’m sad that i have to say goodbye to all of the characters i’ve met.  i’m sad that at the turn of the last page i have to say goodbye to the world that the author let me step into & create.  ugh.  i’m getting a little sad right now.  so at the turn of the last page, i have to immediately start a new book.  right.  away.  even if i only read a page.  it helps keep me from tearing up and being truly pathetic.

here is the second point:  the sequel to the book i finished isn’t out until july 10th.  which isn’t far off in reality, but is light years away from me being able to whip right into it & ward off the embarrassing weepies.

and here is the third and final point:  i don’t have another book on my list of “to reads”.  i don’t have a distraction from my literary goodbye.  and i’m waiting for not 1, not 2, but 3 books to come out from the various authors i read.

internet world, i need your help.  what books do you recommend?  what’s on your “favorite” list or your “to read” list?  what should i read next?!?!?!

the end.

DENIM AND MOCCASINS

i’ve said it before, & i’ll say it again: i love mix tapes.

you can define a day, a trip, a mood.  i love making mixes for others.  i’ve spent many, many hours pouring over the order of songs.  because they have to be juuuust right.  trust.  but it’s even more of a delight when someone makes it for you.

lately, my roommate has been awesome & given me 3 mixes.  and i’ve been meaning to make one for him.  but the thing is, he’s much more up on the new jams & i don’t have anything in ye ole music library that he hasn’t already heard.

tonight, i decided to change this.  tonight, i was going to find some new jams on my own.  tonight, i was going to make an amazing summer mix full of sun drenched tunes and night-time grooves.

tonight i went down a musical rabbit hole.

DENIM AND MOCCASINS mix.

1. new york groove/ KISS
2. most wanted/ cults
3. jean genie/ david bowie
4. how do i know/ here we go magic
5. uh-oh, love comes to town/ talking heads
6. boomerang/ miniature tigers
7. no good for you/ terry malts
8. this head i hold/ electric guest
9. sunshine (cataracs remix)/ rye rye ft M.I.A.
10. girl like me/ ladyhawke
11. warrior/ kimbra
12. the wave/ miike snow
13. what did he say/ nite jewel
14. the ghost inside/ broken bells
15. paddling out/ miike snow
16. spore/ ramona falls
17. teary eyes and bloody lips/ moonfaced
18. american daydream/ electric guest