Merry Merry Quite Contrary how does the story go?

THE FOLLIES OF A MEREDITH IN OKC


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CURIOSITY COST ME $36.95

remember back back back in the day when i tried that whole online dating thing? 

   

remember how wildly unsuccessful that was? 

   

well, apparently i didn’t. 

   

those tricksy tricksters at match.com, they got me.  i played into their hand just perfectly.  see, i cancelled my account like in june.  my 6 months were up, and not a minute too soon.  i’m over all of the effort that goes into it; the “winking”, the trying to think up some witty banter via email, not to mention the fact that it just didn’t work out.  so i happily un-subscribed and chalked it up as an E for Effort. 

but even when i un-subscribed, i’d still get notifications that “someone” emailed me.  or “someone” winked at me.  but you can’t view the email!  and they definitely don’t tell me who the “someone” is.  tricksters. 

after (almost) 2 months, these “someone emailed/winked at you” notifications got to me.  i just had to know.  who is this “someone”?  is it someone awesome?  is it the coolest person ever and i’m going to miss out because i’m just not willing to spend a trivial $36.95?  what should i do?!  oh, the not knowing.  it was simply killing me! 

   

so, obviously, i re-subscribed.  just for a month.  not the whole 6 months business.  i must admit that i was pretty excited to see who “someone” was.  

hello curiosity, what is this "someone" email all about?

i opened the email… 

i read the email… 

i viewed his profile… 

ah, man! not cool...not cool at all!

 

DRAT! 

i got suckered into another month and spent $36.95 to view a freakin email from giggity that said “wow, you’re really pretty.  hehe, love your profile.”   

   

really?  really?!? 

i mean, giggity, you seem like a nice guy and all.  but compare our profiles…do you really think we have a lot in common?  and thanks for the compliment, but what the hell am i supposed to reply with?  you’ve left me with a stellar response possibility of  “dear giggity,  thanks.” 

   

and now i’m stuck with this for another month.  a month where all the weirdos “wink” and email me (most of them with misspelled words…which instantly makes me go into mocking-mode).  a month where i feel like  a jackass for not replying to their emails, because they do seem like nice people.  just not for me.   

   

maybe i should send out a general letter to the unknown awesome “someone” i was hoping it was.  it’d go a little something like this… 

got a pen? check. got a piece of paper? check. here we go...

 

dear super awesome “someone” on match.com…please find me before this month subscription ends.  because if you don’t, i will NOT be curious next month and cave into paying $36.95.  you will find my profile under the semi-sarcastic title of “got no time for spreadin roots, time i was on my way…but i paid for another month, so what’s up?”   

yeah, i quoted lyrics from the epic Led Zeppelin song Ramble On.  because that’s what i shoulda done…rambled away from pointless online dating scene.  ha, i’m soooo clever…ok, so it’s kinda lame, but those dang title things are so difficult to think up!!!  any better suggestions are totally welcome.


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NOT THE G-G-G-GROCERY STORE!

not-so-old merry contrary

went to the pantry,

to give Mr Bix a bone.

when she got there,

the pantry was bare,

as well as the freezer, fridge, and every other food storage place in this condo!

 

dude.  seriously.  zero food.  here, i’ll show you an actual picture of my fridge….

 

 

 

eek.  seriously meredith?  beer, carlo rossi (which i do not claim, it’s leftover from my mom), and condiments with a very sad little box of cereal.  this looks like a fridge that belongs to a 21 yr old college guy.  not the fridge of a hip, got-my-act-together, aren’t-i-such-a-grownup lady that i’m trying to be.

 

when i was on that oh so fabulous vacation (i promise i’ll stop talking about it here soon…just give me a few more days), we made these yummy homemade dinners.  ok, so i didn’t make the dinners at all.  but KK and Gordy did and they were delish.  it was good, healthy food paired with constant outdoor activity.  after a week of that routine, i could tell that my body was like “yay!  yippee!  huzzah!!”

 

and then i came back from vaca-land.  and i promptly returned to my dining out habits.  greasy pizza, french fries, and all that horrible crap that just makes you feel disgusting 5 minutes after eating it. 

 

but then i went on a bike ride last night on my beloved bicycle, Emmaline Jelly Bean.

 

and as i was coasting down this awesome hill, i made a decision.

 

i am going to go to the grocery store.  i am going to buy yummy food.  i will bring said yummy food to work instead of swingin through the drive-thru.  and while i know that i’m still going to dine out, it’s not going to be every day. 

and guess what?  i actually made it to the grocery store.  it wasn’t too crowded, i didn’t stress out about having to criss-cross my way like i normally do, and the biggest miracle of all…i didn’t have to wait in line!

 

it was a good day at the grocery store.  and after emptying out a billion and one grocery bags, this was my reward…

cue up the heavenly choir! is that a sunbeam i see illuminating the fridge?

wowza!  there’s still beers and carlo rossi and condiments, but now there’s delish greek yogurt and milk and kashi bars and la croix next to it!  oh, and i didn’t forget the freezer section

of course it’s full of microwave meals…it’s not like i’m going to become a full on chef over night!  ha.

 

yep.  i went to the grocery store.  it wasn’t horrible.  and now i have yummy food of my very own.  not too bad for a thursday afternoon.

 

Mr Bix was so shocked by all of this.  he just sat and watched me with this confused look on his face.  don’t worry Mr Bix, i’m still your mom that hates going to the grocery store…ok, maybe now i just extremely dislike it.  oh!  and i’m super excited about the coconut popsicles i got.  i love them as much as Gordy likes Bomb Pops popsicles.  don’t tell anyone, but i’ve already had 3.

hhhmmmmmmm?


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EMAIL AVALANCHE

so vacations rock. 

 

ok, well maybe not all vacations.  i have been on a few that were less than spectacular.  but i’d wager to say that 95% of the vacations that i’ve been on rock.

 

and, of course, my most recent vacation aka minnesota extravaganza was 100% amaze (in fact, i wish i was there right now).

 

yup, still wish i was there

 

but you know what doesn’t rock?

coming back to work after vacation.

i am officially declaring that the first day back from a 100% spectacular vacation is the lamest day ever.

let me clarify that a little bit…i love my job.  and i love my team.  i’m not complaining about that…in fact, i missed everyone while i was gone.

 

i’m talking about the crap ton of work just waiting for me to walk through the office door.  i’m talkin about the emails waiting to be read and replied to (um…yeah…it was well over 100).  i’m talkin about the trainings, the meetings, the conference calls, the paperwork…all of them just lurking in the shadows waiting to pounce.

eek! it's the work monster!! make it go away!!

especially the 1st day back.  when all i want to do is talk to everyone, see how their week was and catch up.  but instead, i get to shut myself in the office and organize the mountain of work.  the absolutely daunting mountain of last week’s work combined with, oh yeah, the current day’s work.  not to mention when i get home…the fridge is empty (remarkably more empty than usual) and i need to do laundry (but am out of detergent and need to get my butt to the dreaded grocery store) and i need to take the jeep (beep beep) to get a bath.

 

ugh.

and all i can think about is how just a few days ago i was floating in my lime-green-with-polka-dots raft drinking a frosty bud light. 

that's it! that's my favorite lime-green-with-polka-dots float!!

am i being a whiney baby?  yes.  absolutely.  i am 100% being a little brat.  but, gosh darn it!, i wanna go baaaaack!!!! 

 

ok, so i’ll take one more day to mope and then i’ll get back into the swing of things.

 

if the avalanche of emails doesn’t get to me first

ok, so these are really letters...but they're more visually interesting than a picture of emails.


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PICTURESQUE PELICAN LAKE

lemme tell you about a little slice of heaven.

 

it’s near nisswa, mn on Pelican Lake.  it is a welcoming lake house that is just 7 giantish steps away from a crystal clear lake that is the perfect temperature. 

 

and i was lucky enough to have KK invite me on a road trip there.  i was oh so very lucky.

 

first, the adventure began with a road trip.  at 4am.  and you know how much i love 4am.  KK, Cohcoh, Gordy and i packed up the always faithful jeep (beep beep) and took off on i-35 for a 15 hr drive.  we laughed until we cried (hey KK, you know what that is?  it’s rain), listened to hours upon hours of Radiolab (which if you’ve never heard of Radiolab, you should check that out promptly.  it’s an amazing show on NPR that explores different topics with humor, science, and delightful story telling.  check out their website here.  you’ll thank me, i promise), and rocked out with the  too loud bass.  and, somehow, throughout all of this, Cohcoh slept.  he seriously was an awesome little traveller considering he’s 2 and it was a helluva drive. 

i love how kids can totally crash out in the most uncomfortable looking position

 

finally, after a looooooooooong drive complete with rain and construction work, we reached our destination.  we dutifully unpacked the car (me with my 2 bags…of course i over-packed.  all i really needed was my swimsuit, 3 dresses, a sweater, and my toothbrush.  but no, i packed half my freakin closet.  next time, i will be much smarter) and dumped them on the floor.  i looked around the actual house for 2 seconds and then walked out to the back porch.  this is what i saw…

are you freakin kidding me?!? i get to stay here for a week?!?! sorry, oklahoma, i may never come home

 the daily schedule was this:  wake up, drink coffee on the deck, go into nisswa for supplies (a cute little town which sadly i didn’t take any pics of), swim, drink beers, play cards, swim, make dinner (ok, so i didn’t do much of this, but i did help chop veggies and wash dishes), eat dinner, swim, drink manhattans, play apples to apples, go to sleep.  repeat.

  

it was incredible.  the weather was perfection.

  

i met some fun people.  i got a nice tan.  and i had a blast chillin with KK, Gordy, and CohCoh. 

 

oh, and i took some neat-o pics.  here are a few of my favorites (ok, so a lot of my favorites). 

 and 3 of my favorites of Cohcoh playing in the water

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the lake house itself was simply perfect. it was made from warm, golden pine with a phenomenal view of the lake from every room.  it was warm and inviting and had just the right dash of charming kitsch to it (a random boar head mounted to the wall, an entire wall of “lake hats”, a bookshelf over flowing with board games and coloring books.  everything a lake house should have).  but most importantly, it had this really rad feel about it.  there was so much family history and you could just feel the years upon years of happy memories.  KK simply radiated happiness as she took us on the grand tour, sharing with us stories from her childhood.  i loved every second of it.

i named him ivan.

 oh!  and the kitchen!  it was just perfect.  KK was thoughtful and brought everyone their own apron (even one for me!  the girl who can’t cook!)

 man.  i wish i was there right now.  right this very second. 

 

but there’s always next year…hopefully i’ll get an invite back.

 

on the plus side, though, i get to cuddle with my Mr Bix.  i missed him so very very much.  and, bonus, his ear is healing nicely.

look at that handsome face!


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HIGHWAY TO THE VACATION ZONE

as i walked through the firey gates of hell, aka my condo’s sliding glass door, all i could think of is “dear BOB, get me outta oklahoma”.

ugh, firey air is all that exists in the condo

yes, my a/c is STILL out.  and, i guess my a/c didn’t get the memo, oklahoma during august is not a place you want to be unless the temperature is altered by a machine that blows cool air.  my condo didn’t get this memo.  in fact, it so didn’t get the memo that i’ve been without a/c for 6 of the hottest days this summer.  it’s sweltering.  it’s hotter than hell.  i break a sweat just breathing.  and it’s not fixed.  even after a phone call to the people who were supposed to “fix” it ON MONDAY.



and on sunday, i am escaping this place.  yep, i’m peacin the fuck out of oklahoma.  oklahoma, i love you, but i’ve gotta go.  i need a break or, so help me BOB, i’d have to end our beautiful 3 year love affair.  i’m packin up the jeep (beep, beep), pickin up KK and Gordy and the always handsome Cohcoh, and headin out of town.


where?  to minnesota, specifically KK’s lake house on Pelican Lake.


i cannot wait.


i am going to turn off the work email (i love you guys, i really do…but don’t call unless the place is on fire).  i’m going to turn off the alarm clock (see you next week, 8am!).  i am going to swim, do yoga, take pictures, hug minnesotans, play cards with my girls.  most of all, i’m going to do whatever i want, on a time schedule that is made up by the minute.

i'm off to see minnesota! the wonderful minnesota of oz!

but here’s the part that sucks…i’m not free to do this for another 2 days.  it’s a short amount of time, i know.  but i have a billion things to wrap up at work.  and a billion things to do at my house, if it ever becomes bearable to stay there for more than 2 minutes.  and although the days seem to eek by, the task list seems to get longer and longer and longer.

and my mind has started to check out.


to dreams of a place where the temperature highs are in the 80s and at night it gets down to the 60s.  to a place where the biggest decision i have to make is what card game we’re going to play that evening on the deck while i drink wine.


only thing that minnesota will be lacking is my Mr Bix (who’s surgery went well and now he has a b’dass scar.   we’re going to say he got it from a fight with a bulldog who called him ‘short stack’.  stupid bulldog, don’t you know that Mr Bix is trained in 20 different types of martial arts and knows russian?)

he's got boatloads of street cred

maybe next year he can join us.


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HOT HOT HEAT

i’m talkin about the inside of my condo, not the band.  although the band is quite fantastic and i would much rather be talking about them than one of the many bizarre occurences in my life. 

i was really really really hoping that turning 27 would break this damn curse of ‘010.  i crossed my fingers, wished on a star, made a wish on a eyelash (after it fell off, i didn’t go to the extreme of pulling it from my eye), picked up a lucky penny (heads-side up), and did as many other good luck things that i could think of. 

guess what? 

didn’t work.  here’s the 3 newest rando unfortunate events in my life. 

   

the first: my air conditioner.  or lack thereof. 

so last thursday i got a notice from my HOA that “your air-conditioning unit has been approved to be replaced on Aug 2nd”. 

hmmm, that’s funny.  my a/c is working just fine.  and has been for, oh, 3 years now.  but the HOA wants to replace it?  eff yeah, go for it old dudes.  anything to make up for the bank account draining HOA Dues is a-ok with me! 

friday morning, i woke up around 8 to let bix out and call the vet (more on that later).  it was a little toastier in the ole condo than normal.  not gonna lie, i was a little sweaty.  after conversating with the vet,  i went back to sleep (hey, i didn’t have to work).  woke up around 11:30am.  in a puddle of my sweat.  what the crap is going on here?! 

yep. kinda looked like this cartoon dude. only as a lady. and a real person.

 

oh yeah.   they’re going to replace my a/c unit.  on monday…i tried one last effort to spend the night there on friday night, but it was miserable.  absolutely miserable.  so we’ve been camped out at the mom’s house.  thank god she’s cool and let us take over the guest room.  although it is sorta weird living at her house.  i’m not used to letting someone know where i’m going and when i’ll be back.  normally i just give mr bix a pat on the head and say “love you buddy, see you soon.  bark real loud if a stranger comes in and don’t pee anywhere”.  can’t really do that to mom…she’d not be too happy with me implying that she might pee somewhere other than the toilet.  and i don’t really need to worry about carrying out my normal routine, she’s not crazy strict like that.  but i instantly feel like a teenager and that it’s the nice thing to do.  

i’ve checked on the condo twice to retrieve articles of clothing that i need.  lemme tell ya, it is one hot bitch up in there.  downstairs is the same temp outside (which, if you don’t live in Oklahoma…the range is 90-100 degrees lately).  the upstairs is a good 15-20 degrees hotter (so that’s 100-120°).  i literally burst into sweat just climbing the stairs.  

   

2nd event: getting my license renewed. 

there wasn’t a line at the Tag Agency.  i shoulda known that this meant trouble. 

the guy took my picture, i looked at it…not too shabby for a driver’s license ID.  i was pleased.  

then he comes back and says “well, your photo isn’t matching up with your last one.  i have to call someone and get it approved”.  

well, no shit sherlock.  in my old pic, i’m 3 years younger, have a blonde bob haircut, and am probably a good 20 lbs lighter.  of course it’s going to be different.  but that’s why you have my finger prints which i just scanned for you.  i can’t fake those.  i mean, i’m sure i could but that would be WAY too much effort and i have no reason to.  

20 minutes later, they’ve verified that, yes, i’m still me.  but i have to take another pic.  great.  i’m frustrated now.  the guy gives me no warning and snaps the picture.  did it look good like the other pic?  hell no.  i look drunk and mad.  and since i wasn’t drunk, that is not a good thing.  stuck with that one for another 4 years.  swell. 

   

3rd event: mr bix has to have surgery 

thursday night, mr bix and i were going through our nightly routine.  i was reading my current book (girl with the dragon tattoo, highly recommend it), mr bix was cuddled up next to me.  i was giving him a back scratch and i noticed his left ear looked funny.  i sat up and examined his ear.  

it is swollen.  like really badly swollen. 

oh crap.  oh crap. OH CRAP.  what is wrong with my buddy?  why is my puppenstein’s ear so swollen?  he wasn’t acting sick! 

my heart drops and i feel like the worst mom ever. 

in a panic, i call the 24 hr emergency vet.  describe the problem to the guy on the phone in the midst of tears.  he assures me that it’s not an emergency, that he’s not going to die, and that the bubble of fluid on his ear will not burst and cause him to bleed out while i hold him and cry.  he has a hematoma…which i guess is kinda common, especially when your dog has bat ears (and chronic ear infections) like mine.  so i’m not a completely horrible mom, just a sorta crummy one for not taking him to get his current ear infection checked out earlier. 

the bummer of it is, he has to have surgery tomorrow.  awe, my poor mr bixby has to go under so they can drain his ear.  i feel for him.   

poor lil guy, gonna get those bat ears fixed tomorrow...

on the plus side, he hasn’t been acting like he’s in pain.  instead, he and chazzy have been acting like kids at a slumber party…running around, getting into trouble and driving me and mom crazy.  so that’s good, at least he’s not in super pain…that would break my heart. 

   

am i still a disaster magnet?  yep.  still a disaster magnet.  but at this point, i pretty much expect it…so at least now i’m not caught off guard. 

   

on the plus side, vacation in 5 days!! 

let the count down begin… 

doo doo doooo doo, doo doo doot doo doooooo...the vacation countdown!