the “meredith actively sought out dating” chapter. the one where i joined the oh-so-popular online dating (re DIM SUM DATING).
i met some interesting people, i met a couple of cool guys & i met a bigtime jerkface (well, he did partially inspire me to start my beloved blog, so i guess i can’t hate him that much…but he’s still a giant douche). i was winked at by a ton of Creepy McCreepersons (i still think they should change it to “high fives”…who winks nowadays?) and i practiced my email composition.
how was it?
like i said, i did meet a few interesting guys. so it wasn’t a total waste of time and money. but would i call it “successful”? ha. don’t make me laugh! have you met me? have you read this blog? ‘010 hates me. and i have the “curse of the meredith”. so, no, i would not call it “successful”.
the past few days, i’ve done some self-reflection. i mean, why do i suck so much at dating? and i’m not being melodramatic here. i really am quite extraordinarily bad at it. it’s a miracle if anything lasts more than a month. and i’ve never gotten past the 6 month benchmark. seriously. i haven’t.
and because i’m so proud of myself for what i’ve realized, i’ve decided to share it with y’all. so let’s all climb into the trust tree and i’ll break it down for you real honest-like.
if you haven’t noticed, i’m kinda big on lists lately. i figured i’d continue that. there’s only two, so bear with me.
1) i’m crap at playing the aloof, hard-to-get girl. which i hear is something that guys really want you to be, even if they claim they don’t. nope, i’m not aloof. and i don’t play hard-to-get. if i like you, i’ll tell you. and if you ask to hang out and i don’t already have plans, i’ll hang out. i won’t pretend that i’m busy & say i can’t go. furthermore, i rarely cancel plans. i’d say i’m 85% non-flakey. see? super not aloof or hard-to-get. *mental note, don’t change that. i’m a grown-up, and if a guy needs to play games…well…he ain’t for me*
now, here’s the big one. the big epiphany moment for me.
2) i’m an “all-in” type of person.
what does that mean? well, let me give you more cliché terms and i’ll explain.
cliché terms i AM: “all or nothing”, “leap before looking”, “pedal to the metal”, “cannonball into the freakin deep end”, “curiosity killed the cat”
cliché terms i AM NOT: “wade into the water”, “dip your toe in”, “take it slowly”, “test things out”
time for a little explanation. i’m the type of person that if someone, or something (this doesn’t only apply to my dating life, it’s how i approach everything), sparks my interest, i’m all for throwing out my previous experiences and just going for it. i’m going to really put myself out there and see how it goes.
like i said, it’s not only romantically. recent example? i found that i enjoy photography and that i’m not crappy at it…so i bought a ridiculously awesome camera. need another example? i decided to move back to okc…in 2 months i bought a condo, found a new job, and with the help of a 27′ u-haul moved my ass back to okc.
see? if i deem something worthy of my attention, i don’t hold back. i make that snap decision and just go for it. that’s the “all-in”.
it’s a double-edged sword, my friend. there are good things about being like this. i’m incredibly loyal, i’m passionate, i actually maintain my interest, and if i decide to do something, i try very hard to do my best. but there are some bad things. if i don’t care about something, then i could give 2 shits…and i will try my damnedest to avoid it. and, well, i can be a lot to handle. especially if you’re a “dip your toe in” type of person…those people get freaked-the-fuck out. which most guys are. and, unfortunately means that they say ‘you’re really awesome and all, but let’s just be friends’ and then i say ‘meh, screw it, i’m out’.
or, hell, maybe i have some crazy deformity that i don’t know about, like an extra toe or a tail or really bad breath (although i do chew gum pretty much all day. and it’s the 5 gum…those commercials show the intensity of flavor and everyone knows commercials don’t lie)
well, kiddos, i can’t change who i am. and i’m not going to try to convince myself that i can be a “dip your toe in the water” person. because i obviously can’t be. i’d have to change my approach to everything i do. and i like everything i’ve got goin on in Meredithland. so what do i do?
i’ll tell ya what i’m going to do.
i’m going to put this whole “dating” thing on a ‘Zack Morris Time-Out” for a long while and just focus on the fun things happening. i’m going to acknowledge why i’m so atrociously bad at dating. i’m going to take this as a learning experience (thanks to the useful self-reflection). i’m going to say ‘deuces’ to match.com (actually, already did that a week ago when i didn’t renew).
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand END CHAPTER.