Merry Merry Quite Contrary how does the story go?




i’m standing in line at mcalesters debating on whether i want to be good and get an iced-t or if i want to be bad and get a coca cola classic, when i glance to my left i notice this little girl.  staring at me.  very intensely.  i think “awe, what a cute kid” and smiled at her.  she just stared back, not even a shy smile back…nothin.  whatevs.  i go back to my internal debate: tea or coke.  however i still have that feeling that someone is watching me.  i glance over, yep…creepy kid is still staring at me.  i do a small wave.  nothing.  kid juuuuuust keeps staring.


seriously?  first of all, how long does it take her parents to order?  i need them to move along and take their unblinking child of the corn away.  secondly, didn’t anyone teach her that it’s rude to stare?

you're creepin me out


i like kids.  when they are far away and not near me.  if they are close by…hmmm, thanks but no thanks.  (except for cohcoh and rikitikicambo and baby z.  those kids are legit and they are excluded from everything i am about to say about not liking kids.)

and even though i don’t like kids, and think that i am sending off the “hey kid, don’t talk to me” vibe, they always seem to gravitate towards me.  but not in an “awe, i’m a cute kid.  let me tell you cute kid stories and be all cute.”  no, i get the creepy unblinking kids that like to sit right across from me and stare.  without blinking.  when your eyes take up 1/2 of your face (like they do on kids) and you don’t blink, it is really eerie.  like creeps me out bigtime eerie.  i don’t know how to talk to kids.  they don’t understand my sense of humor.  they don’t understand the colloquialisms that i like to use.  heck, they don’t even talk to me.  they just sit.  and stare. 

then there are newborns and tiny babies, woah….shut the front door!  i mean, c’mon!  they have a self-destruct button on the top of their head fer cryin out loud!  and they wiggle.  and cry.  and spit up.  they’re cute and all, for about  minutes.  and then what?  they don’t perform tricks or do anything cool…they just eat and sleep.  they do have that “baby smell”.  until they poop.  and then they smell just like my great-grandmother.  eau de great grandma is not a pleasant smell, believe you me…that’s why i call her poo hefner.


so, yep, kids…not much of a fan.  and it seems like lately they’re everywhere.  sort of like the first scenes of Baby Mama.  this has happened before…the babies & kids everywhere thing…but i was like 22 and i would just dodge the strollers and try to keep as far away as possible.  it’s a little different now that i’m 26.  when kids are near, i hear a little tick tock, tick tock sound from my uterus.  reminding me that i’m not getting any younger and “isn’t it about time that i settle down and pop a few kids out?”  and for 5 seconds i think, “gee wouldn’t that be nice?”.  then my brain overrides the biological clock.  it reminds me that i have an irrational fear of wet wipes and that kids require the use of a lot of wet wipes.  it also reminds me that i am afraid of kids.  i hear that once you have one, that all changes.  but i’m not so sure about that.  for now, i’m going to carry on my desire to not be a baby cannon.  


to all of you parents out there: teach your kid that it’s rude to stare.  and if someone smiles at you, smile back…it just makes the world a better place.